[You can see Part One here and Part Two here.]

On my last visit to the gastroenterologist, I managed to snag the last of the dying breed of cartoon brochures to finish out this series. The new brochures are all professional, with fancy fonts and no pictures. Bo-ring! Bring back the pictures!! bring back the tormented housepets! Bring back the Crack Eats! Let�s start a petition, y�all. But before we do, I submit to you the last installment of The Best Brochures Ever. Shall we?

Ah, the hemorrhoids. This poor man having to walk around with a pillow attached to his ass. The poor, poor man. But why does he have the guilty �I just farted� look on his face? Methinks that pillow is not for the hemorrhoids at all. He�s trying to cover up his gas. And it looks to me like he is blaming it on the dog. Isn�t it always the way? Speaking of which, we return to my favorite recurring theme of the poor pets in these illustrations. Look at the dog, he�s all tormented and sad. He�s also giving his master the universal �Dude � do not even try and pin that shit on me� look. Poor dog.

Ooh, a history lesson! �Look little Bobby Sue � even Napoleon suffered from hemorrhoids. Now you know the real reason for his infamous defeat � Preparation H hadn�t been invented yet. How could he fight when his ass was on fire? Poor, suffering Napoleon.� Now, what I want to know is � who decided to put this picture in this brochure? What was that pitch like? �Okay staff, we�ve done the multi-cultural route already � we need something fresh to show people that these uncomfortable and embarrassing conditions can happen to anyone.� �How about a historical figure?� �Brilliant! But who?� �Jesus?� �No! He was perfect, remember?� �Elvis?� �We�d have to pay too much to use his image.� �Napoleon?� �BINGO! Genius! Cut, print, that�s a wrap.�

Napoleon? Really? I must have been absent from history class the day we discussed his rectal problems. This also begs the question regarding which historian documented this � I think they�re making this up. It�s all lies! How will I be able to trust these cartoons ever again? HOW??!! I do enjoy the surprised look on his face, though. Maybe even enough to let the lies slide. Oh, cartoons � you had me at Napoleon�s Mr. Bill face, you saucy minxes!

Why do all of the pets look like they have painted spots on them? And why is this woman taking the time to lounge and read a book when clearly her filthy ragged cat is the one that needs a bath? For shame, woman � clean your cat!

I LOVE this picture. Love it. It�s for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and it just captures the �Oh shit, I�ve really got to go� moment so perfectly. Those other poor movie patrons have no idea what they�re in for. The best part of the picture is the gigantic bead of sweat on the woman�s head. And what is that on her cheek? It looks like she�s either been punched or she�s related to Pigpen. Still, even with that small misstep, this is a perfect picture.

In contrast to the beauty of the picture above is this drawing from a brochure about constipation:

Nappy hair, fugly sweater, ratty slippers and Mom jeans aside, what I�m really concerned about (of course) is the pet. Is that...a goat? What is that? Sheep? Goat? Dog? I think it�s a goat. Is the goat constipated because it ate a really big can? What is going on here? Why does she have a goat? And why does the goat look dead? Wait, is it a stuffed animal? Is she a plushie? WHAT�S GOING ON????!!!!

Okay, I think I know what I need to cleanse my palate and avert my eyes from the horrors above � FINALLY, a happy pet:

Oh, the look on that dog�s face just warms the cockles of my heart. This picture is from the end of a brochure, demonstrating how happy your life can be if you conquer your digestive troubles. Look! Look at that dog! Yay! You, too can lounge in your hammock with your happy dog while reading a ridiculously oversized book and tiny hat! (Seriously, did that guy steal that book from the Reference section of the library?) I�m just happy to see a happy dog who is carefree, CLEAN, spot-free, and not a goat. All is right in the world again.


Awesome Link of the Day: Evil Clown Generator
Well, only awesome if you're like me and love you some evil clowns.


before & after





2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile





Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.