Everything's More Fun In Pigtails!
2004-12-02 || And Now For Something Completely Different

�I want a picture of us standing under an archway in a garden, facing each other, with me kissing your forehead. I need to have that picture.�

I think of you saying this every time I see an archway or a gazebo in a garden. Whenever I pass a certain one in a nearby park, my heart breaks a little bit more. I always figured that one to be the garden and the archway. Our garden. Our archway. I could see the picture so clearly in my mind. It was our wedding photo. Your eyes were closed and your lips were gently brushing against my forehead. To the untrained eye, it may have looked sweet and innocent, but upon closer inspection one would see a quiet desperation fueled by a burning need and desire to consume every inch of my being. However, it was love, not sensuality, that was the main force. Some say it is possible to love too much. I don�t think either one of us would disagree with that sentiment. Nor would we disagree that loving too much can be destructive. Your life can just careen out of control until you wake up and find yourself months later, standing under an archway in a garden, waiting for a ghost.

In the picture my eyes were almost closed and I had a look on my face of sheer contentment. It was the look of someone who had found everything that matters in life. Someone who was finally home. I have not seen that look again since you left. My face remains blank and meaningless, coming to life for brief moments just to fool everyone into thinking that I am whole and alive. To fool them into thinking that I am okay. Sometimes I even fool myself. But then I drive by the garden and see the archway and see a girl standing there, waiting. The paint on the latticework is peeling away and vines have begun to overgrow the tiny frame, but still she stands there and waits. Soon the vines will threaten to overgrow her, but she will not move. She will stand there and wait for him to come and kiss her on the forehead. She believes that he is coming back. Any minute now, he will be there. She waits because she is afraid of forgetting. Forgetting him, forgetting them, and forgetting the girl she was when she was with him. She clings to that girl like the vines growing around her. I believe he is coming, any minute now. I have to believe for her. I have to hope along with her. I�m afraid that without that belief and hope, she will be gone, and I will not be the same. My belief is saving her life.

I think of this as I drive past the garden and see her slowly start to disappear in the distance behind me. She looks up with tear-filled eyes and whispers, �Thank you.� I smile and drive away, knowing that she will always be safe there. I drive back into a world without gardens and archways; back into reality, where I have exorcised the ghost. Back into my life.


before & after





2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile


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