|Everything's More Fun In Pigtails!|
|2006-09-22 || Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan|
I’m not crazy, right?
Wait, that’s not a general question. We all kind of know the answer to that one. This is more in regards to – am I the only person who feels the need to buy all kinds of things when buying an embarrassing item to try to “hide” it in with the rest of the stuff? Normally, I try to buy some of my more questionable CDs and things of that nature online to retain relative anonymity (the folks over at Amazon.com would have a FIELD day with my history of purchases if I ever ran for President), but sometimes I have to buy the things in person for various reasons. For example, Hanson CDs. These I need to have the day they come out, and I’m actually not ashamed to buy them, except for certain instances. Like the time they offered a free autographed poster if you bought This Time Around the day it was released. I don’t think every store did this, but I remember there was an ad in the paper advertising it at Kmart, so off I went. (I wouldn’t have bought it from the folks at the “cool” store anyway – I go elsewhere to maintain my false reputation there.) Anyway, so I really wanted that poster, but seriously, I was 26 at the time and felt a bit silly. So I grabbed the moms and made her go with me and then found myself actually having to ASK FOR the poster as it wasn’t given to me with the CD. The salesperson knew nothing about it, which made it even worse, so I had to put on this whole little scene with my mother in which I pretended that the pre-teen I was buying the CD for asked me to go there to buy it because she really wanted that poster. It was such a sad display. (Still, I got the poster and it is still hanging on my door to this day. Lame, Party of One.)
ANYway – what was the point here? Oh yes, the purchase of embarrassing items and trying to hide it. This usually takes place for me in drugstores. The last time I bought some KY (What? Those menopause rumors are no joke.) I ended up spending $65 hiding the $4 tube of it in with bags of candy, magazines, etc. Any large item I could find. And forget back when I had my lady parts and had to buy feminine needs - I would just wait until my mom was going to the store and ask her to buy them for me. At least KY makes you seem kinda happenin’ – things with wings? Not so much. Well, maybe not the KY if you think about it in other ways. Okay, I’m going to stop now because I can see what was coming on the road I was traveling on, and “Hi, people I know who read this and don’t need to know any of the possible reasons why I was purchasing the KY.” Ahem. Moving on. So am I the only person who does this? I know Lucy has done it once in the past, and I think Frito has engaged, but I’m not sure they count legitimately since there’s got to be something a little weird in Lucy if she’s been friends with me for 20 years, and we all know that Frito and I share the same brain, plus – related, so I’m not counting them.
So are we crazy, or do other people do this?
I even have an elaborate system that involves scoping out non-judgmental-looking cashiers and people ahead and potentially behind me in line. It’s a sickness. I also spend a lot of money hiding my shame. The other day when I found myself in Target, spending $55 to buy a CD for $9.98. I needed lipstick, but that’s not big enough to hide a CD. But you know what is? Some mascara, a pillow, an oven mitt, a bag of candy and a 3-pack of gum. Well, at least I thought it was until I noticed the woman standing in line beside me looking at me as the salesperson held up the shameful CD as she scanned it. Busted! And why, WHY don’t they have self-checkout at Target? And no, it wasn’t a Raffi CD. It was…well, we’ll just say it was a new release Tuesday by someone whose name rhymes with “Say Bacon,” okay? All I know is that my plan failed and I was busted by some woman behind me in line who smirked at me. Sadly, she was only buying milk and napkins, so I couldn’t retaliate and laugh at her purchases. But really, HOW MANY THINGS DO I HAVE TO BUY TO COVER UP MY SHAME??!
I think I need help.
“You’re just another lover at my door…I don’t want to be angry no more, you know I could never stand for this…Wait, why do I know all of the words to this frigging song? When do I even hear it? How…why…OH MY GOD, I KNOW THEM ALL. Why? This makes no sense. I haven’t actively listened to a Rob Thomas-related song since Crutch or Disease. I want to cry.”
“Oooooh, Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii, everybody plays the fool…no exceptions to the rule. Once again, why do I know all of the words to this? Actually, I think I know this from it playing in the store I worked in during college. Man, I haven’t done my Aaron Neville impression in a while – I wonder if I can still do it? I’ll have to try it when I get home. I doo-oo-n’t knoooouuuooow much….”
“Is this Toto? YES! IT’S GONNA TAKE A LOT TO DRAG ME AWAY FROM YOOOOOUUUUUUU! I did something to the waves DOWN IN AFRICA!!!”
“Ugh, Piano Man. Ooh, here comes the dentist to check me out – I hope he doesn’t punch me. [Dentist then tells boring story about his son, ebay, and a record player before the mouth check and the inevitable scolding to floss more, ending with a sing-songy delivered, “You already see me and an orthodontist, you don’t want to add a periodontist, too!” This causes me to thank the heavens that my mouth is open at this point to hide the fact that I am choking back laughter. Dentist futzes about more, finally leaves. Hygienist returns.] …Sing us a song, you’re the piano man! THIS SONG IS STILL ON? How long is this? And this is on the upcoming Karaoke Revolution? Why don’t you just strike me with a medieval mace, Karaoke Revolution, huh? Or better yet, beat Billy Joel with it because OH MY GOD THIS SONG IS STILL GOING ON. I’m never coming to the dentist again. Oh, wait, I’m done? Hey, that wasn’t bad. Thanks, Toto!”
I told you my head was a scary place sometimes.