Wait, that�s not a general question. We all kind of know the answer to that one. This is more in regards to � am I the only person who feels the need to buy all kinds of things when buying an embarrassing item to try to �hide� it in with the rest of the stuff? Normally, I try to buy some of my more questionable CDs and things of that nature online to retain relative anonymity (the folks over at Amazon.com would have a FIELD day with my history of purchases if I ever ran for President), but sometimes I have to buy the things in person for various reasons. For example, Hanson CDs. These I need to have the day they come out, and I�m actually not ashamed to buy them, except for certain instances. Like the time they offered a free autographed poster if you bought This Time Around the day it was released. I don�t think every store did this, but I remember there was an ad in the paper advertising it at Kmart, so off I went. (I wouldn�t have bought it from the folks at the �cool� store anyway � I go elsewhere to maintain my false reputation there.) Anyway, so I really wanted that poster, but seriously, I was 26 at the time and felt a bit silly. So I grabbed the moms and made her go with me and then found myself actually having to ASK FOR the poster as it wasn�t given to me with the CD. The salesperson knew nothing about it, which made it even worse, so I had to put on this whole little scene with my mother in which I pretended that the pre-teen I was buying the CD for asked me to go there to buy it because she really wanted that poster. It was such a sad display. (Still, I got the poster and it is still hanging on my door to this day. Lame, Party of One.)

ANYway � what was the point here? Oh yes, the purchase of embarrassing items and trying to hide it. This usually takes place for me in drugstores. The last time I bought some KY (What? Those menopause rumors are no joke.) I ended up spending $65 hiding the $4 tube of it in with bags of candy, magazines, etc. Any large item I could find. And forget back when I had my lady parts and had to buy feminine needs - I would just wait until my mom was going to the store and ask her to buy them for me. At least KY makes you seem kinda happenin� � things with wings? Not so much. Well, maybe not the KY if you think about it in other ways. Okay, I�m going to stop now because I can see what was coming on the road I was traveling on, and �Hi, people I know who read this and don�t need to know any of the possible reasons why I was purchasing the KY.� Ahem. Moving on. So am I the only person who does this? I know Lucy has done it once in the past, and I think Frito has engaged, but I�m not sure they count legitimately since there�s got to be something a little weird in Lucy if she�s been friends with me for 20 years, and we all know that Frito and I share the same brain, plus � related, so I�m not counting them.

So are we crazy, or do other people do this?

I even have an elaborate system that involves scoping out non-judgmental-looking cashiers and people ahead and potentially behind me in line. It�s a sickness. I also spend a lot of money hiding my shame. The other day when I found myself in Target, spending $55 to buy a CD for $9.98. I needed lipstick, but that�s not big enough to hide a CD. But you know what is? Some mascara, a pillow, an oven mitt, a bag of candy and a 3-pack of gum. Well, at least I thought it was until I noticed the woman standing in line beside me looking at me as the salesperson held up the shameful CD as she scanned it. Busted! And why, WHY don�t they have self-checkout at Target? And no, it wasn�t a Raffi CD. It was�well, we�ll just say it was a new release Tuesday by someone whose name rhymes with �Say Bacon,� okay? All I know is that my plan failed and I was busted by some woman behind me in line who smirked at me. Sadly, she was only buying milk and napkins, so I couldn�t retaliate and laugh at her purchases. But really, HOW MANY THINGS DO I HAVE TO BUY TO COVER UP MY SHAME??!

I think I need help.

________________________________________

In other news, I developed a new strategy for going to the dentist last night. I�m not the biggest fan just because I always walk out of there with an aching mouth and minus about a pint of blood. But my hygienist has been much better lately, and last night wasn�t that bad at all. I also realized that she looks exactly like Sarah Silverman, which was unsettling to me for reasons I can�t explain. Anyway, I�m not one of those people who are afraid to go to the dentist, (even though I should be since mine has a history of punching me in the face), but I�m sure I join the ranks of many when I say it�s not one of the highlights of my day. However, last night I was so weirded out by the Sarah Silverman revelation (still no idea why) that I decided to concentrate my mind on the lite-rock music playing so I wouldn�t start to noticeably react if I really started to think about why the Sarah Silverman thing was so weird. Who knows what could have happened � my brain is scary sometimes. Anyway, this lite-rock thing is also a good strategy because it turns off the auto-Tourrette�s that I get inside my head when I�m having my mouth picked to shreds. Seriously, I shout profanities that haven�t even been invented yet. So instead of engaging in my normal activities of threatening the life of my hygienist, her mother, and putting a Jihad on her dog, I decided to tune into the lite-rock stylings that were there to create a serene atmosphere. Of course, for me, they just wreaked havoc in my head:

�You�re just another lover at my door�I don�t want to be angry no more, you know I could never stand for this�Wait, why do I know all of the words to this frigging song? When do I even hear it? How�why�OH MY GOD, I KNOW THEM ALL. Why? This makes no sense. I haven�t actively listened to a Rob Thomas-related song since Crutch or Disease. I want to cry.�

�Oooooh, Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii, everybody plays the fool�no exceptions to the rule. Once again, why do I know all of the words to this? Actually, I think I know this from it playing in the store I worked in during college. Man, I haven�t done my Aaron Neville impression in a while � I wonder if I can still do it? I�ll have to try it when I get home. I doo-oo-n�t knoooouuuooow much�.�

�Is this Toto? YES! IT�S GONNA TAKE A LOT TO DRAG ME AWAY FROM YOOOOOUUUUUUU! I did something to the waves DOWN IN AFRICA!!!�

�Ugh, Piano Man. Ooh, here comes the dentist to check me out � I hope he doesn�t punch me. [Dentist then tells boring story about his son, ebay, and a record player before the mouth check and the inevitable scolding to floss more, ending with a sing-songy delivered, �You already see me and an orthodontist, you don�t want to add a periodontist, too!� This causes me to thank the heavens that my mouth is open at this point to hide the fact that I am choking back laughter. Dentist futzes about more, finally leaves. Hygienist returns.] �Sing us a song, you�re the piano man! THIS SONG IS STILL ON? How long is this? And this is on the upcoming Karaoke Revolution? Why don�t you just strike me with a medieval mace, Karaoke Revolution, huh? Or better yet, beat Billy Joel with it because OH MY GOD THIS SONG IS STILL GOING ON. I�m never coming to the dentist again. Oh, wait, I�m done? Hey, that wasn�t bad. Thanks, Toto!�

I told you my head was a scary place sometimes.

Quote of the Day: Courtesy of Frito, after we endured hearing a guy in front of us in line at Electronics Boutique go on a 5-minute rant to the salesperson about why he only bought used games and only new because he didn't have time for all of that hoo-ha because he was working construction all day and then tending bar and then he had his kids some weekends and you know how that goes, blah blee blee.... FRITO: "We're not like these people, are we? We;re kind of awesome, right?" Hee!

before & after





2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile





Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.