Oh, this is a story. On Sunday I met up with Sassy and my friends Kevin and LV in Providence and we ended up at a bar down by the water. It was a gorgeous day outside, so we were taking advantage of the nice weather and sitting outside. After a little while, LV had to take off and Kevin went out on the deck to find some other people who were going to meet up with us, so it just left me and Sassy at the bar. We were chatting away and laughing when I catch a glimpse of a guy across the bar who is gesturing to me and trying to get my attention so he can say something to me. My first mistake? Eye contact. First off, let me explain what this guy looked like. I keep creeping my friends out by saying, "Remember that guy in Requiem for a Dream that made Jennifer Connelly...." That's about as far as I get before people cut me off and answer, "YES. His face is permanently seared into my memory thanks to you for making me watch that thing. YES, I know who you're talking about." Then they involuntarily shiver before I can even say, "Maid Marion." Anyway, if you haven't seen the movie, you can see what the actor looks like here. So he looked like that guy and looked to be in about his mid-40's. When I (unfortunately) made eye contact, he called out, "Hey Smiles. How are you?" I just said hello and that I was good, and then turned back to talk to Sassy. Oh, but that wasn't going to work. Then he followed up with, "What are you drinking over there?" I just yelled out, "Coke, straight up!" and then turned back to Sassy again. Then I hear, "Can I buy you another one? I just want to talk to you." I politely declined, noting my full glass and saying that I was all set, but thanked him and turned back to Sassy. Then he calls out, "A woman is going to be coming by to have me walk her to her car, but I'm not with her, just so you know. I'll be right back because I want to talk to you." I didn't even answer this time, just looked back at Sassy and ignored him. Thankfully, his "woman" arrived and then Kevin returned and asked if we wanted to go sit down on the deck with his friends who had just arrived. I don't think I've ever gotten up from a seat so quickly in my life.

So everything was going so well, we were all sitting around talking and laughing and people watching, tra la la. (Side note: Sassy and I have decided that we need to go back to this bar to people watch again - it was like the melting pot of America. I pointed out a particularly 70's-porny looking guy to Kevin, and he and his friends explained that he is there all the time and that they love him for his commitment to his 'stache and his whole look. He was working the whole 'shirt unbuttoned one button too far' thing with a silver and turquoise belt buckle and pink flip-flops. They're truly in awe of him. One of them said, "Some day we've gotta talk to him and just say, 'I admire your work, sir.'" Another regular was a guy whom I dubbed "the anti-thesis of hot." He had this greasy nerd hair, boobs bigger than mine, and he was wearing camo shorts, black sneakers, and a Blind Date t-shirt that said "Getting Any?" on the front of it. We all tried to pool some money together to get Sassy to go hit on him, but sadly, we did not have enough. I, however, grabbed his ass while walking by him on our way out after being dared by Sassy. I'll do that shit for free all day long. Kevin was behind us and he said the guy turned around with this look of awe and wonder on his face. Sassy added that the tale of the ass-grab would become legendary to him and would have become a full-blown adventure that he would build up and tell his friends for days and weeks to come. Sadly, I think she was right.)

ANYhoo - back to the 'ick.' So yes, we're all sitting there, having fun and I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I'm walking down the deck all, 'la la loo loo,' when my friend from the bar steps in front of me and stops me. Inside of my head? "Shit." He said, "There you are, I've been looking for you. I wanted to talk to you." Then he extended his hand for me to shake and introduced himself as Kenny. And me, being the way that I am with the lack of ability to be completely rude to people, shook his hand and said hello. Mistake #2. Oh, he didn't want to shake my hand. He brought it tenderly to his lips and started almost MAKING OUT with it, and then he started RUBBING IT ALL OVER HIS FACE, asking, "Can you feel that tension?" I yanked my hand away, but not soon enough as I immediately contracted a case of Stage 5 Willies. Kenny then said again that he wanted to talk to me, but I said, "I'm here with a guy," knowing that Kevin would help me out and play along. I started to turn to walk away, but Kenny was not to be deterred. He just said, "Forget about your man, can't you feel this tension?" Then he motioned to the space between us. I just shook my head and didn't know what to say, so I just blurted out, "Sorry, I really have to go pee," and turned to walk away. Mistake #3. Kenny smiled and said, "You go ahead, we can talk about water sports later - Oh, who said that? Golden showers, who gets to go first?" I almost stopped dead in my tracks from all of the "Ew!" surrounding me, but luckily I willed myself to flee. GROSS!! Then Kenny called after me, "I'll be right here when you get back." Ew.

Come on now, who does that? Who says that??? After I went to the bathroom, I whipped out my cell phone and called Kevin, barking, "COME AND GET ME AND WALK BACK WITH ME." He asked why, and I told him to just do it, so he came down and I commanded him to put his arm around me or something because I just got offered a golden shower by a creepy guy. Of course, he had to know who it was that I was talking about, so I pointed him out and Kevin said, "The guy with the sunglasses backwards on the back of his head?" I looked over, and sure enough, they were hanging on the back of his ears, which just made it all the better. When I returned to the table, I told everyone about my encounter, and here are some snippets from the conversation that followed:

"I think my hand has gonorrhea now."

"I'd just like to know what point in your life you have to be at where you skip right from, 'Hi, how are you,' to 'Can I pee on you?' I mean, there is an OCEAN of steps between those two. What has happened to you that you reach that point in your life?"

"Who is he, R. Kelly?"

"At least he wanted to talk about who gets to go first - that matters." "What?" "It matters!"

"THIS is why I'm single. THIS is what likes me."

"You know, I admire his moxie. He's just cutting out all of the bullshit in the middle. He's looking to find the person who will pee on him and will let him pee on her and doesn't want to have to go through all of the however-many dates to find out if she's into it. He's playing the odds. Just go straight to it like that enough times and you're bound to finally run into the skank who will be all, 'Hells yeah, I get to go first.'"

"IT MATTERS!"

So yeeeeaaaah, that was my awesome proposal of the weekend. "Hi, I'm Kenny and I'm going to make out with your hand, give you the willies and then ask if I can pee on you. Wait, where are you going? I want to talk to you!" Gross.

The next time someone asks me why I don't have a boyfriend, I'm going to reference the story above as the type of guy who likes me. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

Obsession of the Day: Lenny, from The Apprentice.
I know I've mentioned Lenny before, but my love has been renewed again now that he's on the final two episodes. I know a lot of people didn't get on board this season, which is a shame, because it is one of the best ones. It's not the best in terms of people qualified for the job, but the best in terms of the candidates making for some good TV. I really want this season to be released on DVD so I can relive the 3rd episode with the Chevy Tahoe task. That's the one where Lenny really won my heart when he was setting up the tent and stage, announcing, "What do you mean? I do all this - this is all Lenny. Lenny do all of this," when asked about getting the electricity for the stage. The episode had it all - Brent eating EVERY second, Lenny talking in the third person all the time and announcing that Theresa's "brain should be size of boobs," and the wildly inappropriate comedian at the corporate event. It was pure genius. ANYway, back to my Lenny. I knew last week as soon as I heard that the finalists could pick their own teams that Lee would go straight for Lenny. Oh, and he did not disappoint last night. Sure, it was no "Jingle, Schmingle - what do I know about that?" but it was still awesome. And if you haven't experienced The Lenny (or if you have and haven't seen his casting interview), check him out in all of his glory here. Watch the featured video in the left sidebar to see why I want him to adopt me.

before & after





2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile





Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.