And now for something a little different than the norm around here. I was thinking and thinking of something light and jovial to write here tonight, but I came up empty. In a rare turn of events, I am not in one of my usual happy-go-lucky moods tonight. This is fine by me, but I usually go to great pains to appear in a good mood to others. But tonight I�m just tired. And I feel like rambling, so be warned.
I normally don�t talk about certain things on this site, because, let�s face it, I like to maintain the illusion that my online persona is 100% the real me, as opposed to about 90%. But tonight I just feel like writing and the only topic that comes to mind is my current state of mind, which as I mentioned above, is that I am tired. Tired, tired, tired. And not in the �I didn�t get enough sleep sense.� It�s more of the �This is the one hour every 6 months that I will allow myself a mini-pity party.� Welcome to my party, would you like a piece of cake?
I know I mention this in passing every now and then, but I am not the healthiest person in the world. I don�t have anything debilitating going on, so I know I am VERY lucky. I do. I know this very well. My heart goes out to people like the glorious TranceJen, who is battling things that I wouldn�t wish on my worst enemy. But I can also, in a much smaller sense, sympathize with people like her when I just want to cry out, �Enough is enough!� I thought about this tonight - I have been chronically ill since I was 15 �, which is exactly half of my life at this point. Since then, I have had some times in my early-to mid 20�s where I had several months of feeling really good, so I certainly can�t complain. And at this point now, most of my major problems are taken care of and save for one thing, I am left with mostly just nuisance problems that are offshoots of everything that has come before. Nothing is life-threatening � it�s just a pain in the ass. There�s not a day that goes by now where I don�t have some symptom of one of these nuisances, but most of the time they are just that � nuisances, which I can deal with. Years ago, my brother dubbed me �Powder� after seeing that movie because he said I get all the weird stuff that doctors have never heard of or that most people don�t get. This is actually pretty true, as I normally fall into those lucky 2% of the population who may have a different reaction to certain things. It�s a good thing I have a good sense of humor and can laugh when doctors tell me, �I�ve never seen anything like that before in my life,� or �You�re an enigma.� Hee! 2% baby, woo!
But seriously, generally I have a very easy-going and positive attitude about these things. I don�t know where it developed from, but I am very grateful for it. My main motto is, �What are you going to do?� Because really, what are you? These things can�t be helped and things can certainly be a whole HELL of a lot worse. Sure, I�ve had 8 surgeries in the last 12 years, but what can you do? I needed to have them, so I did. And except for the immediate necessity of the first one, none of them were to fix life-threatening maladies. Shit happens. I get weird medical problems. I deal with it and take care of it. Simple as that.
However, sometimes, like tonight, my positive attitude takes a backseat. But it�s never about the actual medical problems that I have issues with. My attitude about those doesn�t change. What can you do? It�s the effects that my problems have on my life that brings me to this place every now and then. Things like the fact that I can�t just go out and throw caution to the wind like I want to, packing up my life and moving to another state. Things like being stuck in a boring job right now because I have to take my health into consideration when looking for a new job. That�s one of the worst things. Then there are the relationship issues, mainly finding a guy who is understanding enough to deal with someone with chronic illness and subsequent weird medical things going on. Then there is my most hated after-effect of all of this shit � the development of an anxiety disorder and the thrilling anxiety attacks that pop up every so often when they are least expected or wanted. Anyone who has never had a problem with this can't fully understand its suckiness � anyone who has, knows. I�ve bonded with many a person over anxiety issues, and it�s interesting to find out how many people have them, because no one wants to talk about it. You never want to appear crazy. I do in general anyway, so what the hell? Lucky for me, I have the most awesome and amazing family and friends in the world, who have been supportive of me and my health stuff from the get-go. It really does help and make a huge difference, and it makes this whole thing a whole lot less sucky.
Well, it looks like my hour is up, so it�s time to wind down my bi-annual pity party. I actually do feel better after venting. Thanks, Internet! But like I said, I know things could be a whole hell of a lot worse, and I am very lucky. Most of the time I am able to lead a somewhat normal life and have a lot of fun. Sure, I�m having nuisance problems at the same time, but having fun is more important to me than dwelling on stupid stuff like that.
Ahhhhh.... The pity has left the building. Now it�s time for some fun.
before & after
2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile
Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.