Everything's More Fun In Pigtails!
2005-03-04 || Disasters At The Dentist
Last night I got to spend some time at one of my favorite hot spots, the dentist�s office. I swear I turn into the Hulk while I�m there and the hygienist is ripping out mounds of flesh from my mouth. WHO made those instruments of death? I don�t understand why they have to be sharper than a machete. My internal monologue during my teeth cleaning is quite explosive at times. At the beginning, everything is fine while she�s just kind of poking around and scraping a little. But then she gets to the slicing at my gums part and it just ain�t pretty after that. Here�s what was going through my head at various points last night (and yes, my dentist pipes in the local easy listening station and yes, my head is a scary place):

��Cause there is always something there to remind me, do doo do doo. Man, this video used to be on all the time with that guy and the curly hair and the scarf. He was so European looking. I was born to love her, and now I�ll never be free, she�ll always be a part of me. Whoa woh woh�bum bum bum bu-SHIIIIIT!!! Ow, bitch! What the hell are you�OOWW! Oh, you�re going to pay, bitch. You meet me outside after I get out of this chair and I�m going to mess you up! Wait, what am I saying? How did this turn into 3 O�Clock High all of a sudden? �Meet me after school, punk, I�m gonna rearrange your face!� What is wrong with me? This woman is perfectly nice � I don�t want to beat her up. She�s just doing her jo�SHIT! Bitch, you do that one more time and I�m going to beat your ass down. Geez! Ow! Do not go back near that now-throbbing gum area, do not go back there, do not � AAGGH! Oh, smack � it is ON, now, bitch! Rinse? I�ll rinse your face with my, with my�dammit, I�ve got nothing. Ooh, she�s getting out the polisher! God bless us everyone, it�s over! Phew�don�t let the suuuun go down on me, yeah�.�

Actually, the carnage in my mouth wasn�t the most alarming part of my visit to the dentist yesterday. Oh, no. The real disturbance occurred in the waiting room, before my appointment. My dentist has the requisite little children�s table set up in the corner of the waiting room, covered with wooden puzzles, picture books about talking teeth, and Highlights magazines up the wazoo. What I wasn�t expecting to see sitting on the top of the pile of books on the table yesterday was this book:

WHAT??!!! I was so stunned by it that I had to pick it up and flip through it. Each 2 page layout had a new catastrophe on it, complete with illustrations and harrowing statistics. Why is this book on the children�s table?? Is it a ploy by my dentist for kids who are afraid of going to the dentist? (Because we all know that my dentist likes to punch people in the face) �Sure, your mouth may hurt a little and you may be a little scared, but look � it could be worse! Look at those deranged people dancing around the dead people laying next to them because they�ve got the fever of the black death! (An actual illustration in the book) See? Things could be a LOT worse! Have you seen the page about cyclones with the illustrations of sad children hugging their teddy bears? Those children could be you! But look, you�re just here at the silly old dentist. Oh, we�re ready for you now, little Johnny. Come on in. Why are you crying? I won�t punch you in the face again. Come on, now.� Seriously, what maniac puts that book on the kid�s table?

I think it�s time for a new dentist.


before & after





2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile


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