I like my new office so far, but it's so busy there that I have no time to surf the net or update here. The nerve of this job, taking up all of my time at work! Sheesh. Anyway, I've finally got my own desk now away from the annoying radio man (no working in the kitchen for me!), so it's all good. And I had a nice vacation day yesterday to see Star Wars (which RULED), and next week at this time I'll be in sunny California, so things are looking up. Ahhhhh.

While I bask in all of this goodness for a while, I thought I'd post something I wrote for my friend Heather's new 'zine. It's a paper 'zine and it's called Hinky. I got the first issue a couple of months ago and it is just hysterical. Heather used to send me the funniest e-mails with stories from her life that would have my sides hurting from laughter. Well, she's a mom of two wee ones now, so she started the 'zine to give herself a creative outlet. After the first issue, I begged her to write something small for an upcoming issue and wound up becoming the Romance Columnist. I guess I'm the voice of the Single 30's Girl. And now you lucky readers will get a peek at an excerpt from my first column before the 'zines get sent out. Enjoy!

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�Love, exciting and new�.� Love. We�re all looking for it. Some of the lucky ones have found it already, while others search frantically for it, employing every method imaginable to find someone to latch on to for fear of being alone. I fall somewhere in the middle. It would be nice to have, but so would bigger boobs, and I�m not holding my breath for those anytime soon. However, now that I have reached that dreaded age of 30, I seem to fall into the societal �weirdo� pile for being single, never married, and not wanting kids. Blame Bridget Jones. I have good reason, however, for my singledom. I�m picky. I�m actually almost ridiculously picky, but I prefer to think of it as knowing what I want and what I don�t want. And guys, I�m here to help you out with some dos and don�ts about the things you do that we women (well, mainly I) judge you by.

Lesson 1: How to make an answering machine/voice mail greeting.

This may sound trivial to some of you, but really, I�ve stopped going out with guys because of their bad choices in greetings. The main point here is just to keep it simple. That�s what I�m looking for. Nice, simple, and to the point. Stop with the gimmicks already. That greeting where you pretend you�re not home wasn�t funny when it started 10 years ago � it sure as hell isn�t funny now. You�re not 12 � it�s time for a grown-up greeting. Also, don�t personify your answering machine. I was dating a guy once and was mortified to get his new machine greeting one day which spoke to me as its own entity, complete with a ridiculous voice. Not only was the message annoyingly stupid, but it was done in a foolish accent. Once again, you are not 12. Keep it simple. None of this �playing a song that�s a minute long� business. I don�t want to listen to anything by 50 Cent when I call you. I don�t need the feeling of being at a gang shooting when I�m calling your home. Like I said, gimmicks don�t work unless you are George Costanza and have the greatest answering machine greeting known to man. If you can�t top that, don�t even try. (The only gimmick I will allow just for the sheer awesomeness of its camp value is if you happen to track down a copy of the message from those old tapes that were sold on TV that is set to Beethoven�s 5th � �Nobody�s home�nobody�s home.� That, I will allow. But ONLY that.)

Hopefully, these tips will help and will reduce instances of people hanging up on your machine out of sheer horror at the greeting. So remember when you are facing the task of asking people to leave you a message after the beep, K.I.S.S.: Keep it simple, stupid-ass.

Lesson 2: The Shoes

Oh, the shoes. Men? I don�t want to see your feet. There are few exceptions to this, but aside from those special boys and circumstances, guys just shouldn�t wear sandals. Leave those to Jesus. Black sneakers are also pretty much a �no,� especially if they�re low-tops. Some basketball sneakers are allowed in black, but you should be playing basketball while wearing them. And no black shoes/white socks combos. No. Just no. In terms of dress shoes, think of this one rule: Tassels are for old men. No, older than that. Oh, and none of those pale ivory loafer-type shoes. Those are only worn by old men and The Albino in the movie Foul Play. They�re creepy. Basically, the same rule applies for shoes as it does for answering machine greetings � keep it simple. Get yourself some nice, plain oxfords and all will be well in the world. Just remember � simple! Oh, and no sandals. And for the love of all that is holy, no huaraches. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little just thinking about that. This is for your own good, men of the world!!!

Next time: Movies you shouldn�t list on your top-ten favorite list

P.S. Want to know more about Hinky? Drop an e-mail to hinkyzine at gmail.com!

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Edited 5/23/05 to add: I'm off to L.A. on Wednesday, so expect some stories when I get back! See you soon, Jessica and Mister Zero!

before & after





2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile





Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.