Everything's More Fun In Pigtails! | |
2005-04-25 || Tired | |
And now for something a little different than the norm around here. I was thinking and thinking of something light and jovial to write here tonight, but I came up empty. In a rare turn of events, I am not in one of my usual happy-go-lucky moods tonight. This is fine by me, but I usually go to great pains to appear in a good mood to others. But tonight I�m just tired. And I feel like rambling, so be warned. I normally don�t talk about certain things on this site, because, let�s face it, I like to maintain the illusion that my online persona is 100% the real me, as opposed to about 90%. But tonight I just feel like writing and the only topic that comes to mind is my current state of mind, which as I mentioned above, is that I am tired. Tired, tired, tired. And not in the �I didn�t get enough sleep sense.� It�s more of the �This is the one hour every 6 months that I will allow myself a mini-pity party.� Welcome to my party, would you like a piece of cake? I know I mention this in passing every now and then, but I am not the healthiest person in the world. I don�t have anything debilitating going on, so I know I am VERY lucky. I do. I know this very well. My heart goes out to people like the glorious TranceJen, who is battling things that I wouldn�t wish on my worst enemy. But I can also, in a much smaller sense, sympathize with people like her when I just want to cry out, �Enough is enough!� I thought about this tonight - I have been chronically ill since I was 15 �, which is exactly half of my life at this point. Since then, I have had some times in my early-to mid 20�s where I had several months of feeling really good, so I certainly can�t complain. And at this point now, most of my major problems are taken care of and save for one thing, I am left with mostly just nuisance problems that are offshoots of everything that has come before. Nothing is life-threatening � it�s just a pain in the ass. There�s not a day that goes by now where I don�t have some symptom of one of these nuisances, but most of the time they are just that � nuisances, which I can deal with. Years ago, my brother dubbed me �Powder� after seeing that movie because he said I get all the weird stuff that doctors have never heard of or that most people don�t get. This is actually pretty true, as I normally fall into those lucky 2% of the population who may have a different reaction to certain things. It�s a good thing I have a good sense of humor and can laugh when doctors tell me, �I�ve never seen anything like that before in my life,� or �You�re an enigma.� Hee! 2% baby, woo! But seriously, generally I have a very easy-going and positive attitude about these things. I don�t know where it developed from, but I am very grateful for it. My main motto is, �What are you going to do?� Because really, what are you? These things can�t be helped and things can certainly be a whole HELL of a lot worse. Sure, I�ve had 8 surgeries in the last 12 years, but what can you do? I needed to have them, so I did. And except for the immediate necessity of the first one, none of them were to fix life-threatening maladies. Shit happens. I get weird medical problems. I deal with it and take care of it. Simple as that. However, sometimes, like tonight, my positive attitude takes a backseat. But it�s never about the actual medical problems that I have issues with. My attitude about those doesn�t change. What can you do? It�s the effects that my problems have on my life that brings me to this place every now and then. Things like the fact that I can�t just go out and throw caution to the wind like I want to, packing up my life and moving to another state. Things like being stuck in a boring job right now because I have to take my health into consideration when looking for a new job. That�s one of the worst things. Then there are the relationship issues, mainly finding a guy who is understanding enough to deal with someone with chronic illness and subsequent weird medical things going on. Then there is my most hated after-effect of all of this shit � the development of an anxiety disorder and the thrilling anxiety attacks that pop up every so often when they are least expected or wanted. Anyone who has never had a problem with this can't fully understand its suckiness � anyone who has, knows. I�ve bonded with many a person over anxiety issues, and it�s interesting to find out how many people have them, because no one wants to talk about it. You never want to appear crazy. I do in general anyway, so what the hell? Lucky for me, I have the most awesome and amazing family and friends in the world, who have been supportive of me and my health stuff from the get-go. It really does help and make a huge difference, and it makes this whole thing a whole lot less sucky. Well, it looks like my hour is up, so it�s time to wind down my bi-annual pity party. I actually do feel better after venting. Thanks, Internet! But like I said, I know things could be a whole hell of a lot worse, and I am very lucky. Most of the time I am able to lead a somewhat normal life and have a lot of fun. Sure, I�m having nuisance problems at the same time, but having fun is more important to me than dwelling on stupid stuff like that. |