1) On Wednesday, set up a date for Friday night, saying you will check the newspaper to see what's happening on Friday and call your date that day to decide what to do.

2) Call your date at 7:30 PM to discuss your plans for that evening. [Now, I'm going to be showing my age here, but on Friday nights I'm a little tired from the week of, oh say the getting-up-at-6:30 every morning and generally don't stay out as late as I do on Saturday nights. Friday night dates should start by 7, shouldn't they? Am I wrong? Crazy? Lucy agreed with me - by this point in our lives (the thirties), we want to be home by midnight. Yes, we're old. (In college, I went out late and stayed out late almost every night, but that was then. I was young and didn't have a full-tme job to go to. Also, this guy is 29 years old and divorced - why is he still on college time?) On the other hand, I will make exceptions, especially in the case of a first date. In tonight's instance, the guy was working until 7. That's fine, but TELL ME THAT when we originally make the plans. How hard is it to say, "I have to work until 7 that night, but do you want to go out after that?" SIMPLE. I would have happily said that it was fine and just power-napped after work. See? I'm not entirely old and crotchety.]

3) When you call your date, announce that you have decided what the two of you will be doing that evening. Bonus points for the use of the phrase, "It starts a little later." [Pam's head: Later? Oh, he probably wants to meet at 10.] Go on to tell your date that the two of you will be attending a midnight showing of The Big Lebowski. Gleefully shout multiple times that the event is "unmissable!" [Now, there are a few things wrong with this. #1 - there was no initial choice in the matter - it was decided that this is what we were doing, and that was that. Being a pop culture goddess myself, I am usually not one to begrudge someone their taste in movies, especially cult ones such as Lebowski. However, I am also well-versed enough to know that Coen movies are not for everyone. You either dig them or you don't. In most instances, I fall into the "don't" category with the Coens, and Lebowski is no different. It's not a bad movie, it's just nothing I need to see more than once. And to me, it's certainly not "unmissable!" There are certain things that I would label to be close to "unmissable!" such as the midnight showing of Office Space, but I also know who I can announce that to and who I cannot. Someone I don't really know very well whom I am going on a first date with? Probably not. The thing to do in this situation is mention it as a suggestion of something to do along with choices of a few other alternative things to do to test the waters. Choices! But then again, that's just me. And furthermore, even if I haven't done that and my date makes a noise and asks "really?" when I make my pronunciation of what I want to do for the night, I scramble and come up with other ideas, because clearly, my date does not want to do that. Further proof of this: I pointed out that I wasn't really a big fan of the movie. It's not like I was giving signals that he may not have picked up on. I SAID IT PLAIN AS DAY.]

4) Suggest that your first date (on a Friday night) begin at MIDNIGHT. When your date acts a bit surprised, half-heartedly ask if she wants to do something else before then. Remember to give no options of other things to do. While she is thinking, tell her that you are just leaving work and heading over to a friend's house for about an hour and that you will call her when you get home to finalize your plans. That's right, flaunt that she is your second-string choice for the evening and that you really could have gone out with her earlier, but you thought you'd go to a friend's house instead. It's not like it's your first date with her or anything. Oh, wait. Whoops! In any event, be sure to get right off the phone so she won't be able to respond quickly enough.

5) Do not call her an hour later (at 8:30) like you promised to do.

6) Lose track of time hanging out with your buddies. The night of a first date is always the best time to do this. Make sure you tell her that this is what happened. Really drill home how important this date is to you.

7) Call your date at 11:20 PM to ask if she's ready for the movie. Forget the fact that she lives about 20 minutes away from the theater. Oh, and remember to mention that you just got home from your friend's house at that moment. Act mildly surprised that she is on her landline instead of her cell phone when YOU CALLED HER LANDLINE, YOU MORON. [And really, where would I be on my cell phone when I had no idea about the whens and whats of the night?] Whine when your date points out that it is a little late and that she was expecting to hear from you quite some time ago to meet up earlier. Whining is so hot and attractive. Realize (aloud) that there is nowhere around the theater that is still open for you to meet her at. Offer to meet at the theater. Use the word "unmissable" a few more times. [Okay, here is what chaps my ass about this whole thing. I would have sacrificed and sat through the damn Big Lebowski had this guy done what he said he would do and called me at 8:30 to make plans to meet up beforehand. My whole point of going on this date was to be able to get to know the guy to see if I liked him or not. Meeting him 5 minutes before a movie is about to start only to go home after it ends because it is 3 in the morning and I've been up since 6:30 is not going to accomplish that. When do I get to talk to him? Certainly not during the movie, because if he started in with that shit, my ass would have been out the door in two minutes flat. So really, what is the point? Secondly, what earned this guy not only a denial on tonight's date, but a mental note to myself that there would not be a raincheck was the thing with losing track of time hanging with the friends. I love my girls dearly, but we have a rule: first dates overrule any girl plans. It's just the way that it is. Also, saying you're going to be there for an hour and turning it into almost 4? No. Just no. Much like farting, holding back the asshole factor during the initial dating is pretty much a universal principle. You wait until you are stationed in some official relationship status before you pull that shit. In other words, YOU DON'T DO IT ON A FIRST DATE. Dumbass.]

8) Start talking to other people in your house while still on the phone with your date, trying to get any one of them to go to the movie with you. Proclaim everyone "lame!" when they turn you down. [Dude, you just called me lame. And did you really think that 4 people who are comfortably crashed on the couch at 11:30 at night are going to jump up to go to the movies just because you told them they were lame?] Act surprised when a roommate reminds you that he has to get up early in the morning for work. (People work? Have regular schedules? I don't understand! Not computing! Reality? What is this you speak of?)

9) FINALLY apologize weakly, saying that it's your fault for calling sooner and let your date off the hook for the night. Oh, but don't forget to whine one more time for good measure. The only thing sexier and more alluring than whining is the attempted guilt trip, so do that, too. Then tell your date to give YOU a call so you can try to do something another time.

10) Wait by the phone for your date to call. [It's going to be a LONG wait.] Never dream of calling her.

Voila! With just those quick and easy steps, you have not only lost a date, but any chance of seeing her naked, EVER. Bravo!

Quote of the Night about the behavior of my would-be date, courtesy of my friend, P: "Fuck that noise." Word.

before & after





2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile





Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.