The Oscars. Oh, how I love them so. My proudest moment in my whole college experience had nothing remotely to do with grades or papers - it was when I finally won the Film Studies department's annual Oscar prediction contest in my senior year. Anyway, I'm not here to reminisce about days gone by - I'm here for the Oscars, right? Let's roll....
[Please note that I refuse to speak about and/or acknowledge the painful countdown show that ABC tortures us with every year. Remember that Geena Davis one? Oh lord. The only exception I will make to this rule is questioning the presence of Mel what's-his-name from Price Waterhouse. Is it Matsuda? Anyway, where was he??? We can't have an awards show if he's not minding the ballots! Who were those two clowns? What have they done with Mel? For the love of God, where is he??? Okay, I need to calm down. Ooh, Johnny Depp! I'm good now.]
Shall we?
8:36 - Angeliiiiiiiina. Lookin' good.
8:37 - Ah, crap. That damn Oscar song. Billy Crystal has only warbled three notes and I already long for Steve Martin.
8:39 - Audience shot of Johnny Depp! DAYAM!! He is so hot. My God. At this point I'm yelling to my mother to check out Johnny Depp's throwback Detective Hanson hair. Love it. Also? ROWR!!!
8:43 - Is this song still going? Good God.
8:47 - The song is over? Finally!!!! Now let's get this show on the road. C'mon, show Depp again.
8:49 - That Catherine Zeta-Jones is a damn fine looking woman. Oh no, why is Michael Douglas wearing those awful sunglasses? Who does he think he is, Bill Cosby?
8:51 - I don't think I'd ever want to run into Benicio Del Toro in a dark alley. Women find him sexy? He scares the shit out of me.
8:58 - What the hell is Ian McKellen wearing around his neck? Is that a pen? Is it an oversized toothpick? Is it a phallic symbol? What is that thing??
9:00 - Once again, Angeliiiiiiiiina. She kicks ass.
9:06 - Aww, that guy who directed Finding Nemo had the cutest acceptance speech. I want a guy to write me a note in 8th grade that says "I Love You" and then tell everyone about it on national television years later when we're married. Awwwwwww. Can I go back to 8th grade?
9:16 - Every time I see Nicolas Cage, I just want him to shout out, "I had a STRAIGHT FLUSH!!" or "He lives in a SHACK!!!"
9:20 - Yay!!! Renee!!!! It's about damn time. I'm going to pretend that Oscar is for Jerry Maguire. It should have been.
9:24 - Oh, good. Someone alerted Michael Douglas that he looked like a complete moron and he has since taken off those ridiculous glasses. Good choice, Mikey.
9:37 - Is that Billy Baldwin sitting in the crowd? Billy Baldwin? How the hell did he get in?
9:39 - I freakin' LOVE Allison Krauss, dude. Sting, get out of the way. Wait, what is that Sting is playing? He looks like a newfangled organ grinder.
9:41 - Why is Liv Tyler whispering?
9:45 - Elvis Costello is seriously checking out Allison Krauss. Knock his glasses off, Allison!! I want to hear it: "My image!"
9:47 - I don't mind Annie Lennox, but this song sucks. C'mon Annie, I'm sleeping here. Bust out some Would I Lie To You?
9:50 - Commercials. Hey, wait, does Badger the dog get home? To be continued??!! Damn you, Mastercard! Damn you!!!
10:04 - Jim Carrey just made a reference to The Party! WOO!!! Damn, that's a funny movie.
10:10 - Ooh, camera person - can you please just stay on Jude Law a few seconds more. No, don't cut away, don't cu...dammit!
10:18 - I can't believe Scarlett Johansson is only 19. That reminds me of a funny referral someone typed in to get to my page recently - "Why is Scarlett Johannson prettier than I am?" What? Why would you search for that? What sort of answer would you expect to find??
10:21 - What in the hell is Sandra Bullock wearing?
10:32 - Commercials. Hey, there's Badger!!! Wait, he's not home yet? To be continued again?? No!! Dammit!
10:38 - Hey, John Cusack!!! Lane Meyer! Woo!!!
11:08 - "Dude, I was on the Oscars." "You were?? What did you do?" "I played a bicycle like a drum!" "Oh."
11:10 - Commercials. Pepsi? No! Cadillac? No!! WHERE IS BADGER?? I'm so worried about him.
11:14 - I'm not sure I can quite measure how much I love Will Ferrell.
11:23 - Sandra Bullock, I take it back. What the HELL is Uma wearing?? She looks like her room caught on fore while she was changing, so she just grabbed some curtains and a bedspread and threw them on. Hideous.
11:26 - Commercials. Badger's home!! He's home! Whew. Now I can stop watching and go to bed in peace. Oh wait - they haven't done best actor yet. [sigh]
11:29 - Why does Sofia Coppola always look like she is smelling something rancid? Wow. She really shouldn't present awards. Her voice is just ma...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
11:34 - Any minute now I swear we're going to see Susan Sarandon's boobs.
11:45 - Is it wrong to want to jump through my TV and have hot sex with Adrien Brody right now?
11:52 - Johnny Depp shot! I was just goi...damn, is he hot. Wow. What was I saying? I don't even remember. Wow. Hot. Depp. ROWR.
11:55 - I wonder what Badger is doing right now.
11:58 - Best Actor - finally. Sheesh, the only category that didn't really have a relatively clear-cut winner going in. I think the inclusion of Jude Law and Johnny Depp together on the same screen just melted my TV set.
12:10 - It's over? That's it? Wow. Pretty tame and predictable this year, but still enjoyable. Now here's what I want for next year: Steve Martin, another Will Ferrell appearance, and Johnny Depp in EVERY shot. Woo! Oh, and Mel Matsuda. Poor Mel. I hope he didn't get lost like Badger. But Badger did make it home. Come home, Mel. Come home. And bring Depp with you.
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before & after
2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile
Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.