Throughout the years, I have unfortunately spent a lot of time in gastroenterologist's offices. While waiting in the examining room, I've learned that it's best not to look around at the various tools-of-the-trade that are scattered around. This mistake leads to abject horror caused by wondering just what the hell certain scary looking things are used for and oh-my-God-he-is-not-going-to-try-to-stick-that-down-my-throat moments. [luckily, no] To avoid looking at creepy things, I usually spend my time looking at the charts on the walls and the shelf of pamphlets that cover various ailments of the gastric variety. The charts get kind of boring - I could totally kick that Jeopardy guy's ass in the category 'Things Found on Charts of Your Digestive System.' "What is jejenum, Alex?" "Correct." "Eat THAT, Jeopardy freak!" ...And a nice "Unh!" with a throw of the Pimp Hands. Unh!
ANYway, the pamphlets are much more fun to look at. I always like to wonder what the models think of their pictures being used for such informational brochures as 'Constipation and You.' Such enchanting titles are usually accompanied by photos of a couple strolling down by the lake, or bicycling through the park. "Now that I can shit, I can ride like the wind!" However, recently the brochures have been changing. Instead of using pictures of real people, they've been going the cartoon route. I must say, the cartoons are even more entertaining. I was at the doctor the other day and I saw a few that made me laugh out loud. I stashed them in my purse so I could share the joy. Shall we?
The first one is for H. Pylori, an evil bacteria that can cause ulcers, among other nasty things. Here is what someone suffering from it may look like:
I love the fact that he is just randomly sitting on a park bench somewhere. Is he waiting for a bus with Forrest Gump? If I'm feeling like this guy looks, I'm going to be sitting on my couch looking like that. Come to think of it, that's kind of how I looked the one time I watched On Air With Ryan Seacrest. And I also just want to note that I hate those fringe loafer shoes. At least they don't have those friggin' tassels on them. My father has many pairs, and they're just awful. Hey Dad: wingtips. And why did they have to put this poor man in those godawful shoes? Hasn't he suffered enough, people? Come on, look at the man!
This picture is inside the brochure. This man at least looks like he's in a doctor's waiting room chair. He's not off feeding the birds on some random park bench, exposing his pain for all to see. This is also where the brochure starts showing off its multi-cultural sensitivity. Check out what's on the back page:
"See, little Joey? People from all cultures and walks of life experience stomach trauma and pain so bad that they sit on park benches, wearing ugly shoes and wincing. H. Pylori is color blind. Let that be your lesson for the day. That, and don't grow up and wear those damn fringe shoes."
The other brochure that I picked up is the winner of my favorite cover photo of a brochure EVER. Look at this poor man who is suffering from a severe case of the 'roids:
Awesome. I love that he has feet just like Barbie. And why are his arms and legs so disproportionate? My favorite part is the look on the bird's face. He's so surprised! The bird looks like he's the one with the hemorrhoids. Poor bird.
This woman is easing the pain by relaxing in a warm bath. She looks so peaceful and relaxed and...wait, why is she holding on to the tub and the the wall for dear life? I actually think I know what happened in this case. Once I made the horrible mistake of trying out some bath beads that I was given as a gift. There should be a warning label on those things, because the oil made the bottom of my tub ridiculously slippery. I couldn't even sit up without my ass sliding all over the place. When I finally got out, there was a puddle of water on the floor from me involuntarily splashing and flying all around. Bath beads = no. Just no. So back to tub woman. Why is her rug so small? Who is drawing these things? Did they hire someone without asking them to reproduce one of those pictures of a turtle that you find in magazines? Did they NOT MAKE THEM DRAW THE TURTLE IN THE BASEBALL CAP?? For shame!!!
And finally, when your 'roids are all gone, you can scale mountains. And have wonky eyes. And look like you have man-boobs. Seriously, WHO is drawing these things? I miss the guy on the bench now after seeing this thing. Still, after all of this, the only thing I really want to know is: what happened to the bird? Is he okay? Poor hemorrhoid-y bird.
Non-Diaryland Link of the Day: Wal-Mart.com Music Downloads
Believe me, I never thought I'd see the day when I would link to Wal-Mart, but I am a whore for their music downloads. How can you go wrong with 88 cents a song? The only downside is having to buy my profanity-laden tracks elsewhere for 99 cents. But everything else? Wal-Mart, bitch.
before & after
2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile
Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.