I�ll give everyone a moment to stop and celebrate and mutter things like, �It�s about damn time,� or �Really? She's kind of weird � how did she get someone and I'm single? What�s wrong with me?� or �God, she�s so picky, how did she find someone?�

Anyway, so yes � my new boyfriend. A few weeks ago our security guard at work had his third heart attack and can no longer work now, so we�ve had some fill-in guards coming in until we get a new permanent one. At first it was a parade of older men and one �meh� younger guy, but then last week I happened to pass a new, younger one while walking back to my desk. In true ladylike fashion, I was stuffing Cheetos in my mouth at the time when he said hello to me. I said hi and offered out my bag, asking, �Wfhfftannatta Chcrmptseetoffftstcrmp?� He turned down my Cheeto offer and I continued along my merry way. I never saw him again after that. The next 3 days I was working on a special project in another office, so I didn�t get back to my regular office until Wednesday of last week. Wednesday morning I was sitting at my desk, innocently eating my breakfast when the security guard strolled by and stopped dead in his tracks, shouting, �HEY! You�re back!!!!� I looked all around to make sure there was no one else in my cubicle, because surely this person I�ve only seen before once in my life for a total of about 4 seconds couldn�t be talking to me. But yet he was. And he continued, �Oh wow, I was all afraid that you weren�t coming back when you weren�t here for a while so I was getting all nervous but then I saw all of your stuff here and thought, �No, she�s got to be coming back,� because I really wanted to talk to you more because you�re so cool!� I don�t think he even took a breath. I, on the other hand, just sat there speechless. I finally managed to say that I was just in another office for a few days, and then before I knew it, he was in my cubicle, looking all around. First, he pointed to a picture of Eric Balfour and said, �Who�s that? Is that your boyfriend?� It was at that moment that I knew that I was in trouble. He then picked up some more pictures, asking who was in them, and then asked about some toys that I had. Finally, someone called him to go be at his post, so he left me. Three minutes later he passed by and poked his head in my cubicle, asking, �Pam, do you want some coffee??!!� I politely declined and he was on his merry way.

I sat there dumbfounded for a few seconds before I picked up the phone and called my work husband, who sits a few desks down:

PAM: So I have a new boyfriend.

W.H.: You do? Did you meet him over the weekend?

PAM: No, I met him here.

W.H.: Here??!! Who?

PAM: The new security guard.

W.H.: Bubba?

In thinking of various ways to describe the security guard, I could do no better than my work husband. He�s a Bubba. (Oh, what � you thought I actually actually met a boy? C�mon now.) Bubba is 24, large, sweaty and sloppy. Oh, and in one of our first conversations he made a reference to his penis. He�s every girl�s dream! But sorry, girls � he is ALL MINE. Apparently, according to him I am the most interesting person in the office. And he�s checked around. Oh, and in case I didn�t know, that�s a good thing! Be still my beating heart. I am now cursing my placement on the main drag, because every time he walks a client by, he points to me and says to the person, �She�s the best one in here!� Sometimes he�ll just be by himself on one of his many trips to the bathroom or vending machine and I�ll get a �Pam, Pam Pam Pam Pam� or I�ll get even luckier and he�ll stop to chat for a few minutes before being told to GO BACK TO HIS POST IN THE WAITING ROOM. Thank God for supervisors. I�m also happy that I picked up the life-saving technique of pretending to be on the phone when I hear him coming. One jangle of the keys is heard and I�m lunging for the phone. I turn away from my cube opening a little so I look even busier, but I can see him stop and linger for a second before moving on. Ugh. Why do they always find ME? Why can�t a skinny little weird guy find me? Why do I get the Bubbas and the Dirty Old Men? Gah!

Anyway � back to my new boyfriend. On Thursday, he stopped by and started yammering on about cooking. When I informed him that I can�t cook, he blurted out, �Who cooks for you, your boyfriend?� My God, Bubba � I GET IT. TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH. Also? No thank you. On Friday he stopped by right before lunch and asked me if I was going to lunch. I said I was going to in a few minutes, and then he was called away by someone. Two minutes later he came back and asked if I had brought a lunch. When I said yes, he actually did the �Oh, darn� Vanna White arm-swing and said, �Shucks.� Yes. He actually said, �Shucks.� Bubba. I guess he invited himself along to lunch with 2 other women from my office, and when he came back, he told me what a great time they all had and what a laugh-a-minute he was. He then informed me that I have to go to lunch with him next week, that I�d be laughing the whole time. He must have noticed the look of horror on my face, because he then added, �You can bring that guy down there, too. He�s funny.� He was pointing the way of my Work Husband, who was none-too-pleased when I told him about our golden invitation. I believe his response was, �Oh, hell no.� My work husband thinks Bubba is going to throw him up against a wall and start choking him for talking to �his woman.� Eeeaaiiiggghh!!

On Friday afternoon I lollygagged a little so I would be leaving work a few minutes after closing, hoping to miss Bubba in the parking lot. No such luck. He was right at the bottom of the stairs, holding the door open. He lit up when he saw me coming and said, �Here comes my friend!� with pride to all of my coworkers who were around him. He then wished me a good weekend and told me to have fun and to enjoy my TiVo. The TiVo remark freaked me out because A) I�ve never told him that I�m a TV freak, let alone a TiVo and DVR lover and B) The only way he�d know that is by seeing the TiVo sticker on my car, which means he has at some point watched me getting in or out of my car without my knowledge and then studied my car. Either way? AAAGGGHH! Thankfully this is not a permanent position for him, although I did hear him say to someone that he�d be in our office �for a little while.� Pray for Mojo.

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In other news, I went to the American Idols Live concert the other night and was not let down by Constantine. For those who don't know, I have a deep and abiding disgust for Mr. Maroulis, so the chance to see him in person was oddly tempting. I had to see this for myself. And you know what? Back when the show was on, I started to give him the benefit of the doubt a little, thinking he was kind of winking along with everything, all tongue-in-cheek. But he's not. After witnessing that spectacle the other night it is pretty obvious that he's dead serious. And that is both The Sad and The Very, Very Funny. His performance of Bohemian Rhapsody was the most unintentionally funny thing I've seen since Trapped in the Closet. There was Constantine, all bathed in a single spotlight as he croaked out the beginning of the song and suddenly, on the screen behind him, the classic Queen 4-heads-in-a-circle image appeared, except it was 4 Constantine gross-looking faces in a circle. I just started howling with laughter. By the time he got to the rockin' part of the song, kicked the mic stand over and then the screen flashed "CONSTANTINE" in giant letters behind him, I was doubled over with laughter. My friend Liz was scolding me as she likes the Constantine, but I couldn't help it. After he apologized to "the fellas" in the audience because My Funny Valentine was "for the ladies," I stopped caring. When he took off his jacket (to reveal a black button-down shirt that didn't hide the fact that he still has his pot belly) and the girls went wild, I waited until it got quiet again before shouting out, "GROSS!" Ew. Gross, but he gave me my laughs for the night.

In terms of the rest of the show, it was pretty much as I had expected: Jessica proved that she should have stayed in longer, Anwar sang cheesy songs, Scott sucked more than usual and prompted a mass exodus to the snack bar, Nikko and Nadia were completely awesome, and I went a little nutty when Carrie broke out the Alone. I still tell people that her performance of that is what won her the competition. The one thing I did find extremely odd, though, is that while all of the little girls went wild for Anthony as I knew they would, they went even CRAZIER for Scott. SCOTT?! Pig-faced girlfriend-beating, off-key singing Scott?! WTF? I'm blaming it on temporary loss of sanity due to the lack of Bo. Clearly, it's the only explanation. Or maybe they were scarred from Constantine. Take your pick. Oh, and if you're wondering whether or not Constantine did one of his kicks? Fear not, for he did. And I laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

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Oddity of the Weekend: We went to a sports bar that had one of their big-screen TVs tuned to a home shopping channel the whole night. What's even worse is that after a while, we started watching it.


before & after





2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile





Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.