Remember that video with the bullet flying through the playing cards? I used to think that video was the Coolest. Thing. Ever. But I'm not here to talk about Golden Earring. Today's entry is all about the karaoke that may or may not have taken place in The Twilight Zone last weekend. It was the best.
Friday night I went out with a group from work to celebrate a co-worker's promotion. After our dinner, a few of us decided to hit karaoke to top off our evening. We wanted to go somewhere in the southern part of the state, so our choice of places to go was limited. I knew of a little sports bar that always advertises karaoke on its sign, and everyone knew where it was, so we decided to go there. This may rank as one of the best decisions ever. Now on the outside, this place looks pretty nice and neat. However, once you open the doors and walk in you officially enter Dive-Land Central. It was so bizarre. But it was a dive in the good way, if there is one. It was one of those places that looks dirty and filthy but really isn't. Also, it was a harmless dive in the fact that no one was going to come after you with a knife or anything. Everyone seemed to know each other and it was a nice and friendly bar. Did I mention that it was filled with homeless looking people that sang karaoke? Awe. Some.
Oh yes. The homeless crew. Men in toques with scraggly hair and beards and smiles that seemed to be missing a few teeth here and there. Lucy noted that one man was wearing what looked like the CB jacket that she owned when she was 15. I think it might have been. His girlfriend looked like a 60 year-old Jerri Blank, only with darker hair and none of her 4 front teeth. They ruled! They would get up and dance to random songs, and he would be grabbing her ass the whole time, which disturbed many of us. Mainly it disturbed me in the 'this smelly homeless guy is getting some play and I'm not?' sort of way, but then I remembered who it was he was getting said play with and then decided to cheer him on. You go, toque man!
Anyway, karaoke started shortly thereafter and that is where the party began. The guy running the karaoke introduced himself as "Ram" and then proceeded to strut around and play air guitar to Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones. Lucy leaned over and said to me, "Do you think Ram realizes that displays like this are the reason he can't get no satisfaction?" In the middle of the song, I was called upon to join in on the air guitar, but politely declined. Let me just take this moment right now to describe Ram's outfit. He had on old jeans that were a size too small, white hi-top sneakers, and a zip hoodie with the word "EVERLAST" across the front. The hood of the sweatshirt was unzipped and also had the word "EVERLAST" printed across it. This led Lucy and I to randomly shout "Everlast!" to each other throughout the night. It only works if you do it in your best pro wrestler voice. Ram also had the front of his sweatshirt unzipped to the middle of his chest, with a gold medallion necklace on with a big 'R' on it. Oh, it was S-E-X-Y. Except not. I was waiting all night for him to break out some 'Eye of the Tiger,' but it never happened.
Ram liked to work the crowd during songs, and immediately made Lucy and I his new best friends. He was commenting before we sang that we looked like American Idols. During instrumental breaks in songs, he would sometimes comment on the action. When Lucy started singing, he immediately chimed in with, "I told you, American Idol!" When I got up, I got the, "Ooh, we've got some American Idol competition here." Shut up, Ram. He's also one of those guys who takes his job of working the crowd WAAAAY too seriously. Everyone gets a little introduction before they sing, along with some sort of nickname or phony anecdote. To no one's surprise, Lucy was renamed "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds." I, for some inexplicable reason, was brought up as "Pam Anderson" along with some joke about my hiding out from Tommy Lee. Yes, I can totally see how he would immediately think of Pamela Anderson when he saw me. I have dark red hair and no boobs. Yes, yes. The resemblance is striking! Gah.
Now back to the homeless man in Lucy's CB jacket - Ram brought him up to sing, introducing us to the "Song Stylings of Niles." Niles is such a regular that he doesn't even submit songs to sing, Ram just picks them out for him. The selection that night was Elton John's 'Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me.' (That would be the last time I let Ram pick my song) And I suppose "stylings" would be a good word to describe Nile's singing. It was, um, interesting. His voice would alternate from soft to loud, but it would never quite reach "good." He also sang with all of Joe Cocker's mannerisms. My friends and I sat there in horror, but we also all agreed that it was ridiculously awesome. My friend's wife kept shouting, "You go, Niles!" and I would throw him a hoot every now and then. It was just bizarre. Lucy and I kept wondering where all of these people came from, because the town that this bar is in is known for being a little on the hoity-toity side. My boss mentioned a few days later that he stopped to buy tokens for the toll bridge we use to get to work on Monday and swears it was Niles working in the booth. So that's what he does when he's not practicing his song stylings or grabbing Jerri Blank at 60's toothless buns. Niles!
During Lucy's song, Ram noted that "Joe K." was enjoying the song. We all looked over to see another toque-headed scraggly man seated at the bar, smiling and giving Lucy the thumbs up. When she finished her song, he turned to our table and told her that she needed to get an agent and move to Los Angeles. Then he nodded and headed up to the microphone to bust out a little Elvis and 'Can't Help Falling In Love With You.' And I don't know why Joe K. wasn't taking his own advice, because he had an incredible voice. Maybe the whole homeless thing was getting in the way. Ram interjected that Joe K. was singing the song to Lucy, but luckily Joe just ignored him and continued to rock the song out. You'd better believe we all gave Joe K. his props. After that, I got up to sing and sang part of the first verse to Joe K., just to create a fake love triangle for Ram's enjoyment. Sadly, Joe K. retreated to the back of the bar a few songs later, but not before joining in to help my friend's wife remember the tune to her song. Who knew Joe K. would be such a big Cher fan??
Throughout the rest of the night, Ram kept coming over and chatting with us, offering to let me and Lucy come over and record something at his home recording studio. Once again, I politely declined. We also noticed that people were showing up with Dunkin' Donuts coffee. Can you do that? Isn't that rude to bring outside beverages into a bar? Lucy pointed out the fact that homeless people love coffee, noting that they're usually always holding coffee cups. She then offered that some of the cups may be holding spare change, but they probably still had coffee in them at one time. I love her logic. As it got later, many of the regulars filtered out. (My friend Dan noted that the shelters must have been closing.) Ram wanted us to stay and sing all night, but Lucy and I had already performed our final number, 'It's Raining Men,' which always kills our voices for a little while. We promised to return, though. The whole night I just kept thinking to myself, "Jerry has to see this." It was just too surreal not to go back. I kept wondering if C.C. knew about this place, since good ol' Claire said she attracted the homeless. I can't wait to go back and see! Next time I'll bring a camera. EVERLAST!!!!
Celebrity Boyfriend of the Day: Jason Bateman
Mr. Derek is looking good these days on Arrested Development. No more of that It's Your Move awkwardness. Work it, Bateman!
Comments? Sign the book!
before & after
2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile
Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.