I know it's been a couple of months now since I mentioned finding a comic goldmine at work and promising to write about it. I'm happy to say that I finally took a look at said goldmine tonight, and man, was it worth the wait. I'm talking about the discovery of a book from 1984 entitled How To Marry The Man Of Your Choice. Oh, it's so bad. But in the best way. It reminds me of Jessica's awesome book find last year with the Seventeen etiquette tips. But this one even came with a money-back guarantee: if you weren't married to the man of your choice in two years, the publisher would refund the price of the book. Yeah, I'm sure.

Anyway, I'm a little less than halfway through the book, and it is not letting me down. The woman who wrote it is a complete moron. She continually points out the obvious, such as when dressing for a man, one of the things that is best to wear is a shirt or a blouse. Good thing she said that, or I may have shown up topless. The rest of the book is made up of a mix of the ridiculous and total nonsense, with a touch of delusion. The perfect combination.

The author points out in the introduction that you don't have to stay single. She continues to frown upon single women for the rest of the book. She promises that the strategies outlined in the book will allow you to make the man that you want fall in love with you. He will have no choice in the matter. Yes, that sounds just like what a guy is looking for. Someone to use a mapped-out plan and strategy to make him fall in love with her. They just love that kind of stuff! Anyhoo, I figured I'd devote a little section once a week to highlight some of the gems that I have found in my reading. Shall we?

Oh, but first, let me just point out who is giving all of this marvelous advice. Pictures really do speak a thousand words sometimes.

This is the woman that we're supposed to listen to. I'm just saying. So let's just see what she has to say:

- "If marriage is a priority in your life and you have passed that age where the marriage odds are in your favor, you need updated techniques. The odds were greatly in your favor during your teenage years, but if you are past twenty-five, the odds are increasingly against you." - Oh. So I guess if I wasn't a child bride, then I'm screwed? The author goes on to endear herself to her readers even more with the next sentence: "You cannot sit around like a beached whale, waiting for the tides to come in." Huh? Wha? Also? Watch yo mouth, bitch.

- In the section titled "Dress for Sexess," there are many interesting points made:

"Your goal in dressing for a man should be to dress 'friendly.' Dressing friendly does not mean wearing a wet t-shirt or a see-through blouse." It doesn't? That sounds pretty friendly to me. I think men find nipples to be very friendly, no?

"Cleanliness is especially important. If you have the clean, fresh look that a recent shower gives, you can wear a potato sack and still be desirable." So let me get this straight - as long as you look clean, it's okay if you smell like potatoes?

"If you wear slacks other than jeans, wear white or blue or black, not orange or yellow." Who still says 'slacks' besides my grandmother? And more importantly, who has orange or yellow pants?

"A watch is the only jewelry you should wear on your hands or arms (and wear only one watch at a time)." Ah, so THAT'S what I was doing wrong in 7th grade: wearing those damn Swatch watches 4 at a time. Curses!

"If you are missing teeth, get dentures. Missing teeth are a definite turnoff." Does this really even need to be mentioned?

The last bit of wisdom I'll leave you with for the day is my favorite so far, just because it makes absolutely no sense:

"Don't be a closet heterosexual. If you want to meet and marry the man of your choice, you've got to go public." WTF? What does that even mean? She could have said, "flibbity fleeb flee flee," and it would have made more sense than that. Is she saying that all women come across as lesbians until we come out of the closet and prove our heterosexuality? Should we make a dramatic announcement to our parents? "Mom, Dad - sit down. I have to tell you something. Oh man, this is so hard. Okay, I'll just say it. Oh God. Um...uh...I'm...I'm...I'm...straight." Also, like most women, I don't think mine is too closeted there, honey. "Don't be a closet heterosexual." What is that shit all about???

So there you have it. Your tips and wisdom for the day from the female Lou Ferrigno. Stay tuned for more in the future!

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In other news, The Dunce was totally out of control today. I don't know how I'm going to stand it. I think the other people in the training are laughing at me now because I'm the only one who will be working in the same office as her after training is done. She spent almost all of the 3 hour class today chewing gum like a cow. Every five minutes or so she would blow a bubble inside of her closed mouth and then pop it repeatedly, echoing chomp after chomp. The woman next to me finally gave her a dirty look at one point, but The Dunce didn't even notice. All I could think about the whole time was The Cell Block Tango from 'Chicago,' and the woman who killed her husband for popping his gum all the time. She quickly became my hero. As usual, The Dunce spent most of the class blabbing on and on and asking her usual 30,000 questions until about fifteen minutes before the end of class. Then, five minutes before class was going to be over she started getting antsy and saying little asides like, "Almost lunchtime! Ooh, don't ask any questions!" We never do!!! It's always you asking them, idiot! She then loudly started packing up her notebook and putting on her coat. We all just looked at her in disbelief. Of course, then I asked a question just to piss her off. She didn't listen to a word the teacher said in response and was already flying out the door as the teacher was finishing her sentence. No wonder she has no idea what's going on. Boy - dumb, annoying, fashion-challenged, AND rude - how lucky am I to have my desk next to someone like that? Gah.

Celebrity Boyfriend of the Day: Drew Fuller
Okay, I'm a little late on this one, but I don't know anyone who watches Charmed. I just happened to catch the tail end of it the other night when I was waiting for The Surreal Life to come on. That's when I saw this hot young thing. He reminds me a little of a young Jared Leto. Yum.

Comments? Sign the book!

before & after





2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile





Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.