As some of you regular readers know, my friend Jerry and I have a habit of watching really bad movies. But we like the so-bad-they�re-good movies. However, sometimes we find the unfortunate so-bad-they�re-bad movies. I don�t think the lot of Terror of Tiny Town, Billy the Kid Meets Dracula & Playmate of the Apes combined could have prepared us for the horror that is Necromania, Ed Wood�s last film and his first shot at porn. Oh. My. God. Has anyone seen this? Jerry is a HUGE Ed Wood fan, so he was quite excited to have this come out on DVD, as it is the only Ed Wood movie that he has never seen. We watched it a couple of weeks ago and are still traumatized. And actually, I can�t believe that I forgot to talk about it until now. Must have been the trauma blocking it from my mind. Sadly, I think it is burned and etched into my memory along with the image of Donald Sutherland naked. That horror was thrust upon me in my Literature and Film class back in college. I�m shuddering now just thinking about it. Really, the professor could have at least warned us about that. Then again, he could have warned us about a lot of things from that same movie, the aptly titled Don�t Look Now. If you haven�t seen it, you should see it, but only if you don�t read anything about it first. It�s the only way to have the maximum viewing effect. If you know anything about the movie going in, it is ruined. It�s somewhat disturbing in parts, but it has what has got to be the worst and funniest ending (and the biggest WTF? moment) in the history of moviemaking. We were supposed to have read the short novella that it was based in before watching it in class, but I never read half of my assignments, so I thankfully went in without knowing anything. After seeing it, I just sat there laughing hysterically at the end, looking around and wondering why no one else was laughing. The next year, one of my friends was taking the class, so I made him go into the movie without reading the novella. I went to class with him to watch it again and the two of us sat there laughing our asses off. It�s not meant to be funny, but it is just completely ABSURD. If anyone has seen it or does see it, let me know what you think. We�ve got to discuss.

ANYway, where the hell was I? Oh yes, Necromania. Hold on, I�m getting a wave of the heebie jeebies just mentioning the name. EEEYYOOOWWWAAUUUGGH!!!! There. Better. Jerry and I started off all wrong, making the mistake of choosing to watch the �Hot! Hot! Hot!� version instead of the tamer �Hot!� version, thinking, �How bad could it be?� I think we�ve been lulled into a false sense of porndom from all of the soft stuff that I kill on Skinemax, because we got quite an answer to our query of �How bad could it be?� VERY, VERY BAD. This movie is so bad on so many different levels that it�s not even funny. We giggled at the beginning when the credits state that the cast wished to remain anonymous, but after watching about ten minutes of the movie, it is so clear why they would have requested that. In typical Ed Wood fashion, the production values leave a lot to be desired, there is basically no plot, and there�s the standard Guy Who Reads His Lines Off the Wall and such. That�s all to be expected. I thought it was going to be some foolish movie about necrophiliacs or something. Nope. But really, it�s the porn scenes that make it so horrific. Silly us, we�re thinking that those scenes would be few and far between and we�d be able to enjoy some Ed Wood goodness � oh, we were so, so wrong. It�s so porny it�s pornariffic. And I�m the first one to admit that porn really does absolutely nothing for me, but I�ve never had it cause me to shield my eyes and scream in horror for an hour straight. Even Jerry was freaking out and screaming, and he enjoys a good Skinemax every now and then. But this � oh, this was�eeeeeuuuuuggghhhhh! The funniest thing was that the sex scenes had the worst music playing during them. It would vary from scary/horror movie music to jaunty country twangy numbers. At no time was it ever porn-appropriate music. And then there was the uh, grooming issue. Apparently, in 1971 people didn�t really do too much of it. It was alarming to say the least. Now I�m getting all freaked out again, so instead of describing any more, I will just list some thoughts from me and Jerry that were voiced throughout the viewing of this Crapterpiece:

�AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!�

�OH MY GOD!!! Why are we watching this?! AAAGGHHH!!! Why didn�t we watch the other one?! Turn it off!�

�AAAGGHHHH!!! Turn the other one on!!�

�Why did we watch this version?!! Oh my�AAGGGHHHHH!!!!�

�They�re not going to show that�Oh my God!!! AAAGGGHH!!�

�I don�t even think doctors get that close a view!�

�Why are they kissing like that? They just have their mouths open and they�re moving them near each other. Look! They can do all that other stuff but can�t get close enough to kiss??!! This is ridiculous. Why are we watching this?�

�AAAGHHHHH!!!!�

�Is he done yet??� �I don�t know, I�m not looking! Hold on�AAGGHHH!� �I take it that�s a �No�?�

�You do this with people!!� �NEVER AGAIN.�

�What is that mound on the bed? Oh my God, that�s his�AAAAGGGHHHH!!!�

�Are they done yet?�

�WHY ARE WE WATCHING THIS??�

�Who picked the Hot! Hot! Hot! version?� �You did!� �No, you did!�

�Ew!�

�They obviously had razors to shave their faces and legs � why did they not make better use of them for other things? Look at that!� �I CAN�T!!! Make it stop!!! Oh my God, she is literally combing through it because there is so much of it.� �No way.� �Look!� �AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!�

�This makes no sense!�

�Why didn�t we watch the Hot! version?? Wait, why are we watching this at all?�

�Jerry, you OWN this movie.� �I didn�t know! It�s going on ebay tonight!�

�AAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!�

�When you leave, please take this with you. I just want it out of my house!�

�Oh Oh OH!!! NO!!!!! Oh no, he�s not�OH!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!�

�Why is there suddenly a wall behind them now? Where did that green wall come from? They were just in a red room with nothing behind them.� �Oh, just be thankful that they�re dressed and we have a moment of res�oh no, no, NO!! AAAAGGHHH!!�

�How long is this movie? Is it over yet?�

�Sex is bad!! It�s dirty! Naked is BAD! Dirty! Bad!�

�You did that last week.� �AAAGGGHHH!!!�

�If you�ll excuse me, I have to go shave my entire body.�

�That�s it, let it be known right now that I am taking a vow of celibacy.�

�If a woman ever comes to my house and tries to take off her clothes, I�m going to yell at her to put them back on.� �Why, you don�t want to have to comb through�� �Stop it! AAAGGGHH!!!! NO! I can still see it in my head!!! She was all�AAAGGGHHH!�

�Why are we watching this?�

�No, don�t move your leg. Good, just keep it at that angle so it hides everyth�AAGGHH!!! No!!!!! My eyes! My eyes!!!!�

�AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!� �And that, right there, is what they call the �money shot.�� �AAAAAAGGGHHHH!!! I need to claw my eyes out now.� �Well, you can�t do it in the bathroom because I�ll be in there shaving my body. Naked is bad. Dirty is bad. Sex is bad! Bad!!!!�

The worst part of all of this? I hung out with Jerry on Saturday and we watched it AGAIN. This time, we tried the Hot! version, but it was still gross and bad. Plus, we knew what was missing from the scenes because we were so traumatized by the other version (which Jerry jokingly put on for about 10 minutes before we both ran out of the room screaming). After writing this, I think I need to go take a shower to wash off just talking about that damn movie. Why did we watch it again? What is wrong with us? Please, take it off our hands. Anyone want it?

P.S. Hi to the lovely, lovely misterzero, who I got to meet up with while she was in town this past weekend. (And I didn�t get lost in Boston this time! Woo!) She is fantastic and funny, and I�m glad she was able to fit me in to her hectic schedule. So thanks, girl! I can�t wait to come out your way now!


before & after





2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile





Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.