I think I may have outdone myself last night in the realm of bad-movie watching. I hung out with my friend Jerry, the King of Bad Movies, and I was treated to a double feature that just went from bad to worse. The first movie Jerry foisted upon me was The Terror of Tiny Town, the first all-midget Western � complete with musical numbers! It was almost unwatchable. Also? Not so much terror going on. But I enjoyed that all of the actors rode mini-horses and ponies. In any case, that movie was just the beginning � the appetizer, if you will. Jerry and I then moved on to a movie that he recorded a few weeks ago after reading a description of it, but saved it to watch with me.
There are almost no words to describe it. I kind of wish it wasn�t a late-night Cinemax bom-chicka-bom-bom movie, because the �erotic� scenes are just so tedious and long and boring. Even putting aside the fact that I�m a porn killer, the people just don�t look like they�re enjoying themselves. Even Jerry was complaining, asking numerous times, �Is this scene still going on???� I think I want an edited version with all of the other scenes, because really, it�s something. Here's a brief rundown and some of the highlights:
Why have regular humans crash their spaceship onto a planet full of apes when you can have three lesbian astronauts do it? They�re soon met by some of the inhabitants of the planet, who are all in really BAD ape masks. Some of them are ridiculously bad. Also, the dialogue is not looped, so most of the speaking by the apes is muffled due to the masks. This left a long night of: "What??" "What did he say?" "I think he just ordered a steaming plate of feces." "Ew!" "What?" My favorite character was Dr. Queera, the gay pink ape. He liked to exclaim, �Oh, puleeaze!� And yes, he was bright pink. The apes on this particular planet didn�t like humans because they thought they didn�t talk, and also because humans had �no soul� and didn�t like to dance. The nice doctor ape (and Dr. Queera�s hag) who liked the humans played some music to get the human girls to dance and try to prove the bad apes wrong. Apparently, when humans dance, they involuntarily take their tops off while doing so. I wonder if I do this when I go out. Anyway, the �bad� ape says that the music that the girls were dancing to had no soul, so he donned an Elvis costume and sang VERY badly to see if the girls would dance. He even gave out the scarves, people. Later on, when an ape woman declared her love for one of the humans, the human�s response was, �I may be a lesbian, but I�m not a swinger!� Now there�s a knee slapper if I ever heard one. When some of the humans escape and meet up with a renegade group in the forest, they spontaneously break out into song and start rapping. Even two of the apes rap. Rapping apes. You cannot make this shit up. Then I noticed that there are some larger men in the renegade group, and they are wearing spandex bike shorts. Now, the porn never works for me, but do other people really enjoy the larger older men in spandex? I�m not thinking that this is a great selling point. I should also point out here that most of the costume money was probably spent on monkey masks at the local party store, because the rest of the apes looked like they were wearing whatever they showed up to the set in that day. One guy was actually wearing jeans and an Ocean Pacific long-sleeved t-shirt. Does OP still make those?? And why would an ape on another planet have one? Anyway, the mean apes finally show up and start battling with the humans and renegades until the Missing Link arrives to stop the madness. The Missing Link has a human head and an ape body. And how does he arrive? Via a giant disco ball. He begged everyone to stop fighting, saying that humans and apes are the same. His reasoning? They both like to �boogie-oogie� down. With this, he started singing and everyone started dancing together and everything was fine and dandy. It�s the boogie-oogie that brings everyone together. I think I just shed a tear over the beauty of that. With peace restored, the main lesbian astronaut fixes up her ship with some gum and snot (I�m not even kidding) and goes down a line of folks to thank them and bid them farewell. Of course, at the end of the line appears the scarecrow, who she tells she will miss the most. Jerry said that one scene was worth the pain of sitting through the rest of it. Surprisingly, the gum and snot aren�t that sturdy and our heroine ends up crashing into another planet on her way back home. What does she find when she gets off the ship? An angry man in a chicken costume and a human who speaks duck almost as well as Rick Dees. The end titles then tease with a, �The End?�
Personally, I can�t wait for the sequel.
I also can�t believe I just admit to having watched that crapterpiece. But really, they were in the forest, RAPPING.
before & after
2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile
Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.