Everything's More Fun In Pigtails! | |
2004-01-06 || That Bear Is Not Touching ANYTHING Of Mine | |
I've recently met one of the creepiest toys ever. It's called 'Touch My Heart Fuzzy Bear.' I found it at work in a bag of donated toys and have been both fascinated and disturbed by it for days now. The bear talks in this creepy man-voice and his head tilts to the side a little and his mouth opens and closes. He's kind of a Teddy Ruxpin wannabe, except he doesn't tell stories and he's not half as cute. He also has a glowing red heart when he talks, so he's also in the E.T. ripoff game. Unoriginal little bastard. Anyway, I guess he's supposed to be a good friend to kids and listen to all of their troubles and thoughts and dreams, but we've found that he's really just a little self-centered perv. Here's a little chat we had with him the other night: TMHFB: Shh, don�t tell anyone. Would it surprise you that I�m afraid of spiders? Tell me a secret: Pam: I�d go gay for Angelina Jolie TMHFB: Hmmm� Are you sure? Pam: Hell, yeah. TMHFB: I feel the same way. Bye bye! Lucy: Wait, I thought he was a boy. Pam: He is. He�s got that creepy man voice. Maybe he�s a transsexual. TMHFB: I enjoy making wishes. There are several things I would wish for. I wish I had three more wishes. What do you wish for? Pam: Bigger boobs. Lucy: Word. TMHFB: Me, too! Bye bye! US: [puzzled] TMHFB: People are so nice. It is fun being near my friends. Who would you like to hug? Pam: G McG! Lucy: I thought you fired him. Pam: Yeah, but it�s all I could think of. Even though he�s fired, I�d still grab his ass. TMHFB: (girlish laugh) Hoo hoo! Are you playing with me? Pam: No! TMHFB: I understand excatly what you mean. Bye bye! Pam: So now he�s gay? Lucy: Is he a hermaphrodite? Pam: And why is he always leaving? I thought he was here to help with my problems. As soon as I open up, he just leaves. �Bye bye!� Lucy: Typical man. TMHFB: I�m usually happy. What makes you smile a lot? Pam: Cute boys. Lucy: The new boy. TMHFB: Oh? Please, would you explain why? Pam: I�m 12. Lucy: He�s hot and I�m a smitten kitten. TMHFB: I understand completely. Bye, bye. Lucy: Aww, see? He understands. Pam: Yes, he�s sympathetic to the plight of the single woman. TMHFB: I enjoy being active. I love bicycling with a lot of people. What do you like to do for fun? Pam: Get my freak on! Lucy: Hee! TMHFB: I know exactly what you mean. Bye bye! Pam: Ooh, he�s a little slut. Lucy: That whore. TMHFB: I like to have fun. I like going to the movies with a lot of people. What do you like to do at night? Pam: Didn�t I just answer that? Lucy: No, this is at night. Pam: Oooh! Hey, shouldn�t little kids like to go to bed at night? Lucy: Hey yeah. Pam: I�m telling him that I like to make booty calls. Lucy: Last call is booty call!!! TMHFB: Hmmm�.are you playing with me? Pam: Oh no, he�s caught on. Lucy: Do you think we think he�s dirty because we�re giving all these answers? Pam: Nah, he�s a filthy whore. I can�t believe this is a kid�s toy. TMHFB: I understand exactly what you mean. Bye bye! Pam: See? He knows, too! TMHFB: I have a secret. Would you believe that sometimes I�m naughty? Tell me a secret. Us: Oh my God!!!! Pam: Did he just say what I think he said? Lucy: He told me he�s naughty! Ew! Pam: Here�s a secret � you�re a freak and a creep! TMHFB: Hmmm�are you sure? Lucy: Damn skippy! TMHFB: I know just how you feel. Bye bye! Pam. Ew. Lucy: Get that thing out of here! Pam: I think I need to take a shower now. Creepariffic. Oh, and I forgot to mention that he sings this jaunty little ditty in a completely tone-deaf voice. Don't believe me? Listen for yourself! You can also listen to his questioning. Now try not to have nightmares. Sweet dreams! "Well you're touching my heaaaart, come on and talk to me....."
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