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2006-09-01 || Pam & Mom Do The 2006 MTV Video Music Awards | |
Welcome to the recap of the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards! Can I get a �woot woot!�? See? This is what happens every year. I call it MTV Awards Show Amnesia. I completely forget how much the last few years sucked, and I think I�m in for a good night. Poor, poor me. I hear one positive thing and get all geared up. �Ooh, Christina AND The Raconteurs are performing? This is going to be awesome!� Yeah, except not. Well, that�s my prediction � the show will suck. Let�s see if I�m right. Before the show starts, two quick announcements: 1) Lucy is unable to make it, so we�ve got my mom (aka SockMommy, TM Jessica) doing some guest commentary this year. After her brilliant observation of, �Isn�t he embarrassed by this?� during R. Kelly�s Trapped in the Closet performance last year, she can come back any time. 2) I don�t like Jack Black. Yeah, I said it. So I�m just going to go ahead and get out my anticipatory �God, I HATE Jack Black� rage right now so I don�t have to mention it again the rest of the night. Man, two awards shows in a row. Alright, let�s do this thing: 8:01 � Justin Timberlake starts off�singing? What is he doing? OWWW!! My ears!! Find the key, Justin! He sounds like a bad Mickey Mouse impersonation. �Hu-hi kiddies!� Ah, there�s the key � oh, wait - he�s lip-synching this part. Where the hell is SexyBack? AH � here we go. Wow, he REALLY should have not done that first song � that was horrific. It�s all good now. Wait � now he�s beat-boxing. I hate it when he starts that shit. This performance really illustrates my lukewarm relationship with JT. 8:07 � Intro (performers): Wow, I�m actually looking forward to most of these performers. How did that happen. 8:08 � Intro (presenters): FEDERLINE??? You can�t just try to sneak f�ing Federline in there. 8:11 � So Jack Black is claiming that HE is going to stop the suck of previous years? We are officially through the looking glass, people. 8:14 � Ooh, The Raconteurs�and Lou Reed? WTF? Where is Steady As She Goes?? 8:18 � Best Male Vocal � My mom roots for Nick Lachey, who she doesn�t even listen to, and calls Busta Rhymes a �moron.� James Blunt takes it, to which my mom responds, �Well, if Nick couldn�t have it, it�s okay if he got it. As long as that moron didn�t.� 8:20 � I point out Vanessa Minnillo to my mom as Nick Lachey�s new woman, and she asks, �The one in the lumpy dress?� 8:26 � Andre 3000 presents in his equestrian outfit: I love my mom. 8:27 � Best Hip-Hop Video � Daddy Yankee elicits my first �WHO?� moment of the evening. [Post script added � wow, this was my only �Who?� this year � I�m doing better! Or MTV is getting better with noms.] 8:36 � The Jackass crew�s first ad for Viewer�s Choice Award: 8:39 � Raconteurs again. 8:49 � My dad wanders downstairs during the Ludacris performance. 9:00 � Jessica Simpson is majorly annoying in a dress that barely covers her ass. Anyone surprised? 9:02 � Best Dance Video nominees. 9:06 � OK Go. Yes! I really want the guys in the band to be hotter, though. 9:13 � Commercial for Employee of the Month. Pop Quiz! Answer: F) All of the above 9:17 � Paris Hilton: Do I even need to say anything more? No, but I will � why is she posing back and forth like she�s on a runway? Someone please make her go away. 9:22 � Pink accepts the award for the video for Stupid Girls from Nicole Richie. Awkward much? 9:30 � Raconteurs � still no Steady As She Goes. I�m not happy. 9:31 - Snoop. Ah, harkening back to the days when Ron Wood and Keith Richards would be half in the bag and just carry their beers and booze right onstage at awards shows. Ah, the good old days. But I don�t think that�s beer � it looks like orange juice. Oh, Snoop, you rascal. You and your gin and juice! Also? I secretly want Snoop to call me �nephew.� That would rule my world. 9:39 � Beyonce performs. God, I loved that short movie. Did you ever see the long-form video with the little boy and everything? Good stuff. 9:41 � Diddy. Much like Paris Hilton, need I say more? He�s introducing TI, and I�m ashamed to say that I still don�t know who that is. I mean, I�ve heard of him, but I�ve never heard any of his songs. I�m keeping the record standing and switching over to the U.S. Open. Go, Agassi! 9:53 � Jared Leto. Jared, Jared, Jared. What has happened to you? Step away from Hot Topic and remember that you are 33 years old. 9:55 � Best group video. 9:57 � Raconteurs � FINALLY, Steady As She Goes. 10:04 � AWARD FOR BEST RINGTONE???!!! That�s just ridiculous. 10:07 � Panic! At The Disco performs. Once again, I really want the band members to be cuter. Hey, that guitarist isn�t bad. Hello! I�ve got to say, this is the performance I�ve enjoyed the most so far. Love the circus-y thing. 10:14 � Best New Artist � My mom starts singing harmony to Avenged Sevenfold�s Bat Country. Awesome. 10:22 � Ugh. Britney and Kevin. HA! Federline got the boo. Love it! And this little shtick thing they�re doing? Painfully unfunny. 10:26 � Kanye West�greeeaaaaat. I can�t stand him. Oh, it�s the Video Vanguard Awazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz���. 10:35 � Sarah Silverman: speaking of painfully unfunny�. 10:38 - Yo Momma commercial. Good lord, Wilmer Valderrama sure packed on the pounds. Fez wasn�t lying when he said he loved candy. This guy gets all the chicks? Really? 10:43 � Xtina! My dad wandered in and sat down at this point, observing, �She can actually sing, huh? Not like those Simpsons.� Also? Linda Perry kinda looks like a man in drag. As much as I love Christina, I was really hoping for something a little less classy and a little more dirrrty. 10:52 � AFI wins for Best Rock Video. 11:03 � Tenacious D perform. Dude, you couldn�t pay me to go see their upcoming movie. 11:06 � The men of Jackass present the Viewer�s Choice Award to Fall Out Boy. Hey, where the hell is Johnny Knoxville? He�s the only reason I actually look up when they�re on screen! And why is Pete Wentz wearing a Sherlock Holmes cape-thing? Does The Gap know about this? Wait, did he just say, �Pete Wentz, woo!�? LAME. 11:08 � Al Gore: Like Hansel, he�s so hot right now. 11:10 � Wait, was that Axl Rose coming up? WTF? Haven�t they tried this gimmick with Axl a few times before and failed miserably? 11:16 � Ladies and Gentleman, J. Lo�s grandmother! Oh, wait � my bad. It�s J. Lo. 11:22 � Wow, Axl Rose is looking OLD. Maybe he should get together with Jennifer Lopez. Judging from her current cadaver, I mean husband, she likes them looking decrepit. 11:26 � The End! You know, that could have been FAR worse. But then again, it could have been a lot better � Jack Black was sucking my will to live the entire night. But I think the show is much better in NYC � artists actually show up for it now. Not bad, MTV, not bad. And now, bed.
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