I had so much fun with my entry last year about the Greatest Gastrointestinal-Related Brochures EVER that I decided to do a follow-up, since there were new brochures at the doctor's office the last time that I went. Sure, there's no man on a bench in these brochures, but they're still fun. So, without further ado, I present to you The Greatest Brochures EVER: Part II:

Okay, here we have a new one for everyone's favorite ailment, constipation. What I love about it most is not the thought balloon with the ton of crap in her system or the look of terror on her face or even that ugly chair - it's the cat. The poor pets in these things. Last time it was the bird, but now it's the cat. Is the cat suffering as well or is it just having sympathy pains? He looks so sad! It's okay if your litterbox is empty for days on end, Mr. Cat, because we'll get you some fiber. Poor little cat.

I wonder if he knows that constipation seems to be caused by becoming the equivalent of Homer Simpson:

The hell? Why are we exploiting this poor hobo? He can't shit, for crying out loud, and now we have to display his Raggedy Ann couch for all of the gastro patients in the world to see? It's a disgrace! Oh, the humanity! But seriously, when the brochure mentions some of the common factors associated with constipation, this picture is shown. Yes, an overweight slob with holes all over his couch and a carefully placed hole in his sock, just laying there in a wifebeater with his gut hanging out, swigging back beer and eating chips is an illustration of just what exactly? The 'Lack of exercise' factor? Surely it can't be 'Pregnancy' or 'Stress and Anxiety.' And please God, tell me it is not 'Ignoring the urge to defecate,' because if so, that is just wrong. Wrong, I tell you. The poor man! He probably just lost his cat due to the cat flying into a rage over being constipated and tearing holes in his couch and sock. Poor cat. Poor guy. Let's leave him alone.

Lucky for him (and us) and really, the cat, there is a helpful tour guide to explain the whole digestive tract deal and debunk the myth that the blockage is really caused by all of that gum that you swallowed as a child:

I love his shirt. However, if the guide is too, well, twee for you, you can always go to your doctor to get the digestive chart tour. Make sure that you make interested and concerned faces when you do:

"Hmmm. Ah yes, doctor. My chin rubbing demonstrates that you are explaining everything much better than that jackass in the t-shirt with the picture of fiber on it. And for the love of GOD, don't get me started on his ill-advised choice of a pith helmet as headgear. Is he displaying this chart in the Congo or the Sahara somewhere? Because if not, homeboy needs to lose the helmet. But go on, I'm very interested to hear what you are saying and whether or not you can just help me GO TO THE BATHROOM already. My cat is very concerned. No, you don't understand. You should see his face. Can you help my cat?" Poor cat.

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The next brochure that I found deals with diverticular disease, a condition that is painful and whose symptoms can just creep up out of nowhere. Hence, this poor man's surprise to be feeling such pain while he's trying to rake the leaves:

Now what I want to know is, who comes up with the ideas for these inane cartoons? This picture is on the front of the brochure. I would have liked to have been in that meeting where someone suggested having a picture of a man doing yardwork and suddenly coming down with stomach pains. "Let's have him...raking leaves." "Stuart, that is BRILLIANT. Put it on the front of the brochure. Raking leaves - that's when it always happens, you know. I'm promoting you for your brilliance." WHY IS HE RAKING LEAVES?? Maybe I'm just so angry because there are no concerned birds or cats in the picture.

Anyway, the inside of the brochure talks about all of the healthy foods that you should be eating to help relieve the symptoms and avoide reoccurrences of the diverticular disease. It's your basic healthy, high-fiber stuff:

Okay, wait a minute. You can't see it as well in the scan, but that box in the bottom of the carriage that looks like it says "Whole wheat crackers" TOTALLY says "Whole wheat crack eats." So it looks like it's a big thumbs-up on carrots, brown rice, pineapple, and crack. Fantastic. And where are those baby's pants? Do people really go grocery shopping with pantsless children? Why don't they mention that on the "No Shirts, No Shoes, No Service" sign? PANTS SHOULD BE ON THE SIGN. Poor baby.

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This last picture is my absolute favorite. It's from a brochure simply titled "Gas."

Okay, now I am someone who often has that infamous overwhelming "feeling of fullness" after eating, but I don't think I'm bloated so much that I'm PREGNANT. Jiminy. Is this woman really thinking she is bloated? Because I've seen some bloating in my time, but this is ridiculous. I think this picture was accidentally put in the wrong brochure, and this should be in one for birth control. Or maybe she doesn't understand what 'aphrodisiac' means and she's thinking, "Oh God, I just ate oysters. What if I get pregnant? Oh, shellfish, you saucy devil. What was I thinking?"

Now I can't wait to go back to the doctor in July. There better be some new brochures there, because I'm getting concerned about that cat. And the whereabouts of the baby's pants.

Celebrity Boyfriend of the Day: Cillian Murphy
You know, I thought Jared Leto was the only man who could out-hot Christian Bale in a movie, but I was proven wrong yet again in Batman Begins. As much as Bale had me drooling, it was Murphy's Dr. Crane who had me reduced to jell-o. Well done, Mr. Murphy. (So pretty!)


before & after





2007-09-26 - Follow Me!
2006-09-30 - Site Move & Favorite Entries
2006-09-25 - Evil Easter Bunnies & Rock Climbing!
2006-09-22 - Shameful-Purchase Hiding & A New Dentist Plan
2006-09-19 - Birthday Picture/Video Diary & The Wheelmobile





Copyright 2003-2006 by Sockgirlie. Stealing is wrong.